


To Love is a Gift

by CatWinter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, F/M, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sad with a Happy Ending, Starchaser, Unrequited Love, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:27:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26322634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatWinter/pseuds/CatWinter
Summary: He was shaking, bleeding and scared. There was a slightly stunned look in his eyes - as if he were drugged, and he looked as if he had been assaulted. Among the injuries that James could identify, his right arm was the one that attracted the most attention, being a mixture of black and red. He was completely soaked."C-can I come in?""Well, seeing that you are a Death Eater and we are in the middle of a war." James said. "I don't see why not"Before passing out, Regulus Black whispered in his arms:“I didn't know where else to go”
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Jegulus - Relationship, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 114
Kudos: 447





	1. Surprise

**Author's Note:**

> * Jegulus (James Potter x Regulus Black)  
> * Slow burn  
> * I will do my best to update weekly  
> * Comments are not required but are extremely motivating  
> * I almost never see this couple being used and being one of my favorites, I felt like honoring them.  
> * Other couples can be mentioned, however they will not be the focus  
> * Mentions of abuse, aggression and other heavier topics  
> * Based on a post I saw on Tumblr  
> * English is not my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes

James and Lily ended their relationship in August 1978. The official response that James used, whenever someone felt the unbearable need to remind him that his relationship with the woman he had been in love with for years had came to an end was that "they wanted different things at the moment" and "that maybe in the future they could try again". It was a convenient excuse, since Lily was no longer in England. She was on a high-profile mission on behalf of the Order, where exactly no one knew, it was classified information.

Deep down, James preferred not to know.

Because if he knew, he was able to drop everything to go after her.

The worst part of their breakup was that James had no idea why Lily had suddenly decided that they were not a good match. They had been together for months, shared an apartment, had their wedding scheduled! And everything was going well between them. Or as well as it could be considering that they were in the middle of a war. Despite the stress, anxiety and fear that undeniably inhabited their hearts, both Lily and James were focused on doing their best to bring about the end of Voldemort. They worked excellently dueling side by side, and so skillful was that partnership that the Dark Lord even offered a place for the couple among his fellow Death Eaters. 

The Lord had made his proposal three times.

And the three times he had had this great audacity, he had been answered with a vehement negative.

It might be ridiculous, but James felt his heart warm as he remembered those occasions. He felt that those experiences solidified the connection between him and the redhead.

And between battles, and strategic meetings with the Order, they still had the opportunity to enjoy some tender moments between them. Simple things like shopping, or dining together, but which still carried great meaning, and a sense of domesticity that comforted and filled him inside.

And then, something happened. One day, when Lily arrived home, she looked like someone else. Distant and vague. Insecure. Almost scared. 

At the end of the week, she gathered her things and left.

James spent weeks trying to understand. Reassessing everything he had done since the moment they were together. Everything he had said. Even everything he had in mind. The inconsistency of that decision was leaving him so bewildered that he would not be surprised if she had examined his mind and discovered something.

Of course, Remus had been the first to remind him that there was nothing to discover. James was an open book, for his friends and, especially, for his bride. He didn't understand why Lily did what she did, no one who knew about the case seemed to understand, but the truth was, there was nothing James had done wrong. He had introduced himself as an exemplary boyfriend.

The conclusion hit James with the weight of a ton. If he hadn't done anything wrong ... That meant he wouldn't be able to fix the situation, either. There was nothing to fix, there was nothing to ask for forgiveness. And James felt his throat dry, his heart tighten and his legs wobble. He dreamed so many times of apparating to where his redhead was and throwing himself at her feet and begging her forgiveness. He thought of countless gestures of love, thought of everything he was willing to do, what he was willing to sacrifice, to get her back.

James Potter was a man of countless talents. He had a natural ability for almost anything he tried, he was charming, charismatic and impeccable in appearance.

However, those who knew Potter intimately knew that his true gift was _to love_.

An unbelievable skill, certainly an inheritance from his parents and that ran in his own blood. James Potter was capable of loving with the intensity of a thousand suns, and when he contemplated the possibility that he had been unable to love Lily enough to make her stay, the world seemed to darken around him.

All his life, that had been his main function, to love the parents who wanted a child so much, to love Sirius during the wet dawns they spent side by side, with the Black boy sobbing on his shoulder, to love him enough so that his childhood traumas were made to be only distant memories. Loving Remus enough until he was able to love himself, forcing him to love himself because how could Lupin despise someone who was so genuinely loved by James Potter? To love Lily Evans for all her qualities and flaws, to love her enough to give her strength to survive in the world to which she belonged, but which seemed to hate her so much.

To Love. To Love. _To Love._

It was what James Potter was born to do.

And now?

And now he wasn't sure if he knew how. If he _ever_ knew how.

But he couldn't let his devastated heart interfere with what he had to do. He was a valuable soldier in a war that had already torn the lives of so many young people, wizards and witches, he had a mission. So James gave himself up completely to work. His focus from waking up to the last moments of consciousness until he gave himself up to his deserved sleep was his responsibility to order. Missions, battles, meetings. Nothing else filled his time, nothing else seemed to matter. Sirius and Remus were concerned, they were sharing a loft not far from where James lived, now alone, and were trying to invite their friend over for dinner, going out or even spending the night.

James never accepted, he knew he needed to remain strong for those two, and he was afraid that if he let them get too close, he would fall apart. James would return to normal one day, when he was strong enough to face everything without feeling that he would burst into tears until he sobbed, when he had finally overcome his feelings and moved on. Everything would be back to normal.

The problem was that months passed and the moment did not seem to come.

So on that cold Wednesday, James felt entitled to lie down comfortably in his bed and drink. Drinking too much while drowning in self pity. 

It was then that desperate knocking on the door woke him out of his trance, and with the wand in his hand, very cautiously, he answered the call.

Nothing in the world could have surprised Potter more than the image of Regulus Black on his door. He was shaking, bleeding and scared. There was a slightly stunned look in his eyes - as if he were drugged, and he looked as if he had been assaulted. Among the injuries that James could identify, his right arm was the one that attracted the most attention, being a mixture of black and red. He was completely soaked.

"C-can I come in?"

"Well, seeing that you are a Death Eater and we are in the middle of a war." James said. "I don't see why not"

Before passing out, Regulus Black whispered in his arms:

“I didn't know where else to go”


	2. Saving Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm so sorry for taking so long to update! Currently I'm working during the day and having college at night, things are pretty busy. But my semester is ending soon and I promise I will update faster. 
> 
> Thank you SO much for all the kudos and especially for the comments, you are all so sweet! It really motivates me! 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter, see you soon, please keep commenting <3
> 
> I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes, as you know, english is not my first language, but if you see anything just let me know and I will fix it as soon as possible! 
> 
> Good read!

Regulus' limp body felt heavy on James' arms. Not because  _ Regulus _ was heavy in any way - but because since the first second following the Black heir falling in his doorstep, his heartbeat dropped. 

Potter dragged Regulus across his small living room, shutting the door violently with a kick. 

_ The thoughts on his mind were running faster than his own brain could process. His first worry was Regulus himself, of course, the 18 year old that looked like… He looked like shit! James didn't need to examine him further than simply taking a quick glance to come to that conclusion. He was pale… Darkness around his eyes, the clear weight loss… Regulus has always been… petite, especially compared to his brother, but this couldn't be healthy. The long hair, the stretched lips… It wouldn’t make a lot of difference if you didn’t know Regulus and his insistence on being impeccable all the time. But James knew.  _

_ Because no matter how ugly things had gotten between then, Regulus was Sirius’ brother.  _

He placed the boy on his bed and immediately checked for wounds, of course wizards didn't usually use "muggle methods"of violence,but his experience with the Order had taught him to expect the unexpected. And always check. He took off the young Black's shirt and pulled his hair out his face.

_ Who had done that to him? James could see his ribs… Why was he so wet?!  _

Regulus skin was completely covered in bruises and scratches, especially around his arms, like someone was trying to hold him down. His left arm was the most worrisome part. 

"Oh, God…"

Three nasty deep cuts filled the entirety of his forearm, almost reaching his shoulder. James noticed the trail of blood that had drained from the wounds through his legs, a trail that now also included his floor and bed.

_ They seemed like fresh cuts, but James couldn't be sure. He couldn't be sure of how long Regulus had limped around until he reached the house… How far was the place he was before... Potter wanted to believe Regulus wouldn't have dared to apparate in his condition, such procedure definitely would have fucked up his wounds even more and caused a lot of pain and the Black heir certainly would have been aware. Regulus wasn't like that, he wasn't like Sirius, taking risks, being impulsive…. He was responsible, resourceful...  _

_ On the other hand not only the kid was a full member of the House of Black- that had "stubborn" written all over their birth certificates, all of them no exception, but he was Sirius' brother. James had no option but to conclude, no matter how well he was able to hide it… Regulus  _ **_had_ ** _ the idiotic gene hidden into him somewhere… _

The blood loss could have easily killed him… James cussed under his breath, he had to close his wounds down if he wanted Regulus to see another day but his knowledge on healing spells was minimum, certainly not acquired to deal with that! Fortunately, because of Remus full moon nights, James had some experience with deep cuts. Unfortunately because of this experience he was fully aware of all the dangers surrounding Regulus that moment. All the possibilities… The wounds could be already infected… Worse, they could be cursed…

A terrifying thought passed through James' mind. Maybe Regulus' decision to take off even if that put his life on the line was a resourceful decision because he was somewhere dangerous… Or because he simply wasn't on his right mind? Regulus did look dazzled and disoriented when James opened the door. 

"What did you get yourself into?!"

Before Potter could make up his mind on what to do with Regulus' bleeding arm James noticed his guest was turning blue. 

Regulus had stopped breathing. 

James went into full panic mode. If magical healing processes were mysterious to him, muggle techniques certainly were completely out of his reach and he definitely had never dealt with anyone who was not goddamn breathing. He immediately thought of Lily and immediately after remembered she was gone. The sudden flux of emotion was so big he dropped his wand. Regulus’ life was on the line, though, he couldn’t allow himself to be sad. 

Potter then realized. 

He was all  _ wet _ . 

And began resuscitation. 

“C'mon, Regulus… Don’t go like that…” 

After what seemed like hours Regulus jerked his body up front, coughing water on the floor. He was partially breathing hard and partly choking and mildly awake now. James patted his back gently. 

“Regulus? Regulus?” James called softly, Regulus didn’t respond, Potter wasn’t even sure he heard it. The teen then looked up slowly, his gaze lost, the grey eyes were dim. James was caught on that look for a while, trying to figure out some hidden meaning behind them. Why was he there? Where he had been all this time? What had  _ happened _ to him? He could have died! Age 18!What if someone hadn’t found him in time? How would Sirius react? 

Regulus’ head then suddenly dropped on James’ shoulder, breaking contact and his line of terrible thoughts and startling the older man. Potter then remembered all the blood loss and how he needed to fix it immediately. Regulus’ life wasn't’ out of danger just yet. 

“Okay, Regulus, I’m gonna lay you down…” James said as he gently grabbed the boy by his shoulders and placed him back on the bed. Regulus was now conscious, but remained weak, pale and injured. Probably confused and even… scared…

Yeah, it was an unusual image thinking about Regulus being scared. They had never been close enough or intimate enough for Regulus to let himself be vulnerable in front of him. But it was a logical conclusion to come to, he couldn’t defend himself and James felt like telling him exactly what was happening was the least he could do. 

And James’ natural charm might not have been enough to get into the young Black’s good side as he did with most people - which he would have considered a profound offense if Sirius didn’t make it abundantly clear that one of Regulus’ main problems was that no one could get on his good side - but James  _ knew  _ people. How they worked. And his gut feeling was rarely wrong. 

And what his gut feeling kept telling him all along was that there was something unsettling about his cold demeanor, about the friends he hanged with during school, about his disappearance… 

“Your arm is pretty messed up…”James had put him back, Regulus layed down with ease but the paleness of his complexion was still worrysome. “I need to close your cuts, to stop the blood loss.” Potter grabbed his wand, that had been forgotten for a while, and… Now was the beginning of the complicated part… 

“Regulus…” As James called his name Regulus seemed to react to the surroundings for the first time. He looked in his direction and with a half surprised voice he murmured his name. 

“James…?”

James was a little baffled by his words. Should he ask if Regulus remembered his own name? No, stupid question, if he remembered  _ James _ he certainly would remebered his own name. Should he ask the date? What month were they? Where he had been? If he had a concussion by any chance? Why hadn't he been cutting his hair? 

No, what James should be doing would be to focus on the matter of hand. Regulus wouldn’t be able to reply to any of that if all the vital liquids for his survival kept spilling. 

With a more urgente tone, James decided he couldn’t wait for Regulus to take action.

“Regulus, I need to close your cuts, and I need to do it now. I can’t give you anything for the pain because I don't know what you have in your system.” Potter breathed hard, he wasn’t even sure Regulus was getting anything he was saying. “I gave you the wrong potion, it could poison you. I also don’t have time to make a potion because you are currently painting my carpet another color.” 

James sometimes used humor to cope with severe desperation.

“It’s gonna hurt, but I promise I will try to be quick…”

Potter kneed beside Regulus and held his injured arm with one of his hands. James began the process of sticking Regulus skin back together. It was already a delicate procedure, the position was not helpful and of course, Regulus didn’t like it a little bit. He screamed and immediately got his whole upper body up. 

James had to stop. 

This definitely wouldn’t work. He would be causing Regulus a huge problem if the sewing was done wrong. But the situation was drastic, he needed to fix it right now. 

What the fuck would he do?


	3. Saving Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Regulus.” Potter said, now in a very soft tone, that genuine concern for others wellbeing and general goodness he was so infamous over filling his eyes and expression. “I don’t want to-I wouldn't hurt you!”
> 
> Regulus could remember now how much of an idiot James Potter was. 
> 
> “You can’t just answer when a Death Eater knocks on your door!” Regulus said between rapid breaths. 
> 
> “You aren’t a Death Eater.” Replied Potter, with a tone far more gentle than he should be using with a Death Eater. He then passed his hand through that mess he called hair, that damn gesture… “I mean, you are not only that- I mean…” He stumbled over words before taking a big sigh and looking Regulus in the eye, that determined look back into his face. “You are my best friends’ little brother.” James concluded. “And you were about to die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY, MY DEARS! Sorry taking so long to update! But my semester is finally over and I think I will be able to keep my focus on my stories from now on (or at least until classes are back on again lol). Anyways, here's a new chapter for you, hope you like it! 
> 
> Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos! It really inspires me! 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> See you next time!

Regulus was having a bad day. 

If he was being honest, Regulus had been having a bad day for the entirety of the last decade. And he could describe with detail all the things that went wrong along the course of his life. 

_Sirius would laugh his ass off if he listened to him right now, if Regulus knew all along, how come he had let it happen?_

The question also burned into Regulus’ lungs as he grasped for a breath to escape from the thousands of arms holding pushing him down. His head hurt and his vision was blurry, Regulus was almost sure things were happening to him in slow motion, or maybe his brain was currently unable to process the real speed of things…. He felt the hands, little and big stone cold wet mushy hands creeping through his arms, grabbing the fabric covering his chest…. Regulus wanted to scream, to push them away, the feeling of the unwanted touches creeping out through his spine. 

_Why didn’t he do anything? If he knew, if he always knew, why didn’t he take a different route? A different path?_

Soon, it was not only hands, but their bodies on Regulus, dragging him along the ground, pushing him to the lake where they would probably consume his flesh, consume his magic and Merlin knew what else.... His legs could feel the pain of being put under too much weight but couldn’t actually move right. Horror, disgust and nausea that the close contact with those creatures gave him filled his insides. 

_Regulus’ couldn’t answer. Looking back, he felt just as locked down to his so-called “destiny” before as he did now, with literal arms from the dead bringing him closer and closer to a lake in which he would certainly drown._

The bodies finally were able to bring him to the water, Regulus couldn’t run, didn’t have the strength to scream, his muted choked sobs finally filled the cave being echoed for much longer than it should after his head was submerged. 

_This was the end, and it had always been bound to happen. Sirius must have known Regulus was not worth saving, somehow he definitely knew his brother’s life was just a car crash in slow motion._

He was struggling, using all the strength he didn’t even know he had to push himself up. But it was useless against the raw force of a thousand arms. Regulus wondered if they were hungry, he couldn’t see their faces but remembered clearly the disfigured flesh that covered the humanoid creatures that dragged him down mere minutes ago, his body too weak to fight, too confused to even properly understand what he was doing there. 

_Even if everything was falling apart, even if Regulus was alone and cold in his final moments, he could die knowing he had done at least one good thing in his life._

The instinct not to breathe underwater is strong enough to overcome the agony of running out of air. Regulus realizes he doesn’t want to die here! Nails and what he believes to be teeth break his skin. He can barely see, the dark waters clouding his vision, but he can _feel_ everything. And the despair shakes him to his very core. After minutes, Regulus is on the verge of losing consciousness, he lets out an involuntary breath. He is sinking slowly and his body is solidified, stupidly filled with a kind of optimism _“Holding our breath is killing us, and breathing in might not kill us, so we might as well breathe in,right?.”_ Regulus breathed fast, water filling his lungs painfully slow. It burned! He could still see the colors and bodies piled into him as he desperately tried to breathe and more and more water was swallowed.

_One thing his brother would be proud of._

His racional brain was dead, no longer caring about the bodies’ of the creatures or the fact they were probably waiting his death anxiously to feast on his newly deceased flesh before it putrefied. He needed to get out, get out now! 

_If only he could remember what that was…_

Everything went black. 

* * *

When Regulus came back to his senses the first thing that went through his mind was the genuine surprise he was still alive. 

He was alive, wasn’t him? Regulus couldn’t be sure, the world was stipp spinning and he was in a lot of pain. 

But then again, being alive had _always_ been a pain. Yet, mostly it had been on the metaphorical sense. Right now he was feeling a very real and literal pain. 

Suddenly Regulus was totally awake. Or at least he thought he was awake, except he couldn’t be because if Regulus was alive, and awake and abled with two working eyes, that would mean that James Potter was standing over him. And that was just simply not possible. 

“Regulus….” 

That voice… No it couldn’t be. 

“Regulus!”

Oh, no… He heard it again. Regulus looked up and found himself staring at James’ eyes. 

Now Regulus was sure that he wasn’t dead because James’ eyes were staring at his very soul - as they had done once years ago - Black was so distracted and bewildered by James’ presence he didn’t realize the older boy was talking. 

“-and that’s why I need to have you tied up.” 

_What?!_

James finished explaining to a semi awake Regulus the urgency of the situation they were in, and why it was essential that the younger boy was tied up so the process - that already had smaller chances of succeeding due to James’ inexperience, nervousness and slight current desperation - couldn’t be even more endangered by Regulus’ movements. 

And he would definitely move. 

However, to his worry and disappointment although Regulus was clearly awake, his eyes were glassy and his gaze seemed unfocused. James looked at him with urgency and after a couple seconds the Black heir responded with an weak “what” that troubled James’ heart. 

He was sure Regulus hadn’t heard one word he had just said. Worse, he _really_ should repeat it all and try to make the younger boy understand, after all, working with a cooperative Regulus had always proved to be a better option than trying to go against the slytherin prince. 

Their quidditch matches were proof enough of that. 

But James didn’t have the time. And honestly, neither did Regulus. Besides, he doubted Regulus cognitive abilities would suddenly improve with a couple more seconds anyway, so there was no need to waste more time. 

So the ex-gryffindor captain didn’t wait for any more signals and instead walked to his closet. Because they couldn’t use the Shrieking Shack anymore, now far away from Hogwarts, Remus' full moon nights were shared between James’ apartment and Sirius’. with a spell to muffle all the sound from the inside. It used to be just in Sirius’ flat, the one he shared with Remus, because despite Lily’s reassurance she was a grown ass woman and graduated witch who was fully capable of taking care of herself, James’ had always insisted in keeping her away from their friend’s transformation. 

It wasn't like Potter didn’t trust Remus, or doubter Lily’s abilities. But James had matured a lot along the years, especially during his fifth year with the whole Snape fiasco. Young twelve year old James Potter would be outraged at the thought of stopping a friend to be with Remus in the most difficult nights of his life, or the idea of keeping Remus locked away with chains or ropes. But 19 year old James Potter was grown enough to understand now that the wolf and Remues coexisted in the same body, but were definitely different creatures. James trusted Remus with his life, he had and always would. He would trust Remus with his fiancee’s life as well, there was absolutely no reason not to as Remus was one of his best friends and one of the kindest, most understanding and brave people he knew. 

But when the moon reached the top of the sky and his eyes turned red… When his bones broke to shift into something else… James knew Remus was no longer in control and would only remember his actions in the next morning, at best. 

Until this day James wasn’t sure if him, Peter and Sirius were able to awake a tiny bit of Remus’ consciousness during his transformation, because they were his friends, and everyone was aware of how much Remus valued them and their friendship, so much to even overcome the insane amount of control the wolf would put into his mind; or if Remus was just simply completely gone and they had made friends with the wolf instead. 

There were times they were able to “wake” Lupin out during his transformations. But it was rare, took a lot of persistence, patience and calling Remus’ name, and it was used only for desperate moments. James wasn't really sure if they were just very good at arguing with the wild creatures so much that Remus’ mind was able to come to the surface again due to its confusion or if Remus cared so much about them that he was able to hear the anguish and hopelessness in their voices from almost dimensions apart. 

James tried to put those thoughts away, everytime he would think about Remus’ curse the world of possibilities became too large for him to think right. 

The fact was, the wolf didn’t react well to change, and changing from the Shrieking Shack, a place they had been for years, close to the woods and far, far away from people, to a fancy apartment in the middle of London was a huge change. They had no idea how the wolf would react to it, or to Lily’s presence, even if she was close friends with Remus, and to prevent a tragedy, the boys begrudgingly accepted Remus’ pleas to tie him up, at least for the first couple of transformations or so. 

That is, after rejecting his ridiculously long pleas for them to _let him do it by himself somewhere very far away._

It was almost funny that Lupin took the time to try to convince them. 

There were some irreversible truths about the Marauders, Remus folded their socks because none of them had the patience to do so; Sirius’ could never let go of some pure-blood habits, such as the desire for luxurious things; James had a terrible handwriting but was the best at potions between the four of them; and Peter always used to have chocolate with him in case any of them needed. 

Oh

And they would never, ever, by any means, let Remus ever go back to going through his transformations alone. 

No one deserved to go through pain like that by themselves. 

So, James tried to convince himself that, all things considered, it was for the best that at least Regulus wasn’t going to go through this hell of a night alone. 

* * *

James left and Regulus could finally focus on something else than that hazel-greenish eyes staring at him. He was able to gather some not so useful thoughts: 

He was in James’ apartment. 

James’ fiancee was nowhere to be seen. 

And he was in a lot of pain. 

Regulus then notices the situation he was in. All the cuts, especially those nasty deep ones on his arm, and bruises and blood… 

So much blood… 

Was it even… his blood? Or was it someone else’s? 

That much blood made him think of-

“I will need you to cooperate.” And James suddenly was back, with ropes in his arms. Regulus shot him a questioning look, but James almost didn’t mind him getting to do whatever he was planning to do with those. 

“I need you to be still so I can sew your wounds.” The ex-gryffindor explained as he quickly approached Regulus and got a hold of both his wrists. “You _won’t_ be still though cause you will be in a lot of pain.” He remarked seriously looking at Regulus with a determined look. “So I will tie you up so I can do this as good and fast as possible.”

Tie him up? Regulus hated being tied up. 

And suddenly he couldn’t breathe again. 

Again? 

“T-that won’t be necessary!” Assured the younger boy, his voice hoarse and painfully weak. He tried to swallow the not forming in his throat. “I can hold still, Potter. Just do what you gotta do”

James didn’t even look at him, too busy getting the rope around Regulu’s wrists and connecting them to the headboard of the bed. 

“We already tried that, Regulus.” He replied simply. 

Regulus was beginning to panic. He felt his breathing becoming faster by second and tried to get away. However, James had a strong hold of him and honestly, Regulus was so tired… So sore… Maybe he should just… Should just let Potter have his way…

_No!_ A hysterical voice inside his head screamed _He is fighting for the Order and you a low class good for nothing Death Eater! He is not gonna help you!_

That 's right. Regulus couldn’t trust Potter! He couldn’t even trust his own brother! 

So he tried to fight, with the little remaining energy and strength left in him which was not much but enough to give Potter some trouble. 

“Would you hold still?!” He demanded, clearly exasperated at Black’s inconvenient behavior. 

“ _No_! Let me go, Potter!” Regulus managed to get one of his arms free from James’ hold, with the other one already successfully tied up to the headboard, and punched him in the face. It certainly didn’t produce the effect it would have if Regulus was well and not injured and bleeding to death - which even then wouldn’t have been much, as Sirius was the most physically capable between the two of them - but was enough to get Potter away, probably mostly out of shock. 

Regulus took the opportunity to try to search for his wand and luckily found it somewhere along his teared down robes. He pointed it directly to Potter for protection from any kind of persecution and tried to run away, unfortunately forgetting one of his arms was strongly tied up to the bed. 

His hurry to leave was such that his failed escape resulted in him falling down hard on the floor. Regulus maintained the hold on his wand strong though. 

“Let me go, Potter.” He said. Regulus’ head was pounding, he felt dizzy and like he was about to throw up, he was not in his right mind and no matter how hard he tried, couldn’t remember a single useful spell to set himself free. He couldn’t remember a single damn spell. Regulus tried to breathe, tried to calm himself down. He cleared his throat. “I don’t want to hurt you… I don’t know why you brought me here” 

Potter looked at him like he was crazy. 

“ _You came here”_ The older boy replied. Emphasizing each word as to convince Regulus of how much a lunatic he was being. “You came here, bleeding to your fucking _death,_ and _knocked_ on my door.” 

James was getting up, Regulus punch was not strong, certainly not strong enough to throw him down like that, but he was so shocked from the sudden move, he couldn’t help but to find himself on the floor, both hands on his face. 

“You even asked to come in!” He finished, reaching up to Regulus. Seeing Potter get closer, Regulus' panic went back to rising. He didn’t remember any of that! 

“I-I will… S’-stay back!”

“Regulus.” Potter said, now in a very soft tone, that genuine concern for others wellbeing and general goodness he was so infamous over filling his eyes and expression. “I don’t want to-I wouldn't hurt you!”

Regulus could remember now how much of an _idiot_ James Potter was. 

“You can’t just _answer_ when a Death Eater knocks on your door!” Regulus said between rapid breaths. 

“You aren’t a Death Eater.” Replied Potter, with a tone far more gentle than he should be using with a Death Eater. He then passed his hand through that mess he called hair, that damn gesture… “I mean, you are not only that- I mean…” He stumbled over words before taking a big sigh and looking Regulus in the eye, that determined look back into his face. “You are my best friend’s little brother.” James concluded. “And you were about to die.”

And those words disarmed him. 

It had been a long time since Regulus’ had been referred to as “Sirius’ little brother” in such a tone. And almost immediately he started calming down, breathing was becoming easy again. Regulus looked into those eyes feeling defeated. James got a bit closer, now barely at arm's length. 

“Please let me help you.” 

Defeat never sounded so relaxing. 

And Regulus finally put his wand down. 

* * *

Sewing skin was not a nice thing to do, it was in no way something James took pleasure in doing either. Although he was aware that getting his skin back together was currently the thing saving Regulus’ life, he never had the guts to be a healer and things like this turned up his stomach. 

So James was trying _hard_ to keep his hands from shaking and messing up the work. Especially taking into consideration the trouble he went through to get Regulus back to bed and tied up. -What a problem child!- But the wound was far uglier when he got to look at it so up close, and James felt like throwing up everytime he let his mind wonder about it too much. 

He shot a quick glance up to his “patient” and saw the boy squirming. Regulus was breathing hard, but was trying to keep his chest from moving too much. James could see that despite moving involuntarily with a lot more frequency that a procedure like this should be subdued to , Regulus was doing his best to keep his arm still, sweat coming down from his forehead from the effort. He had his eyes closed, stiff and from time to time a groan of pain escaped his lips, although James also could tell Regulus was trying hard to keep them in too. 

On his end, Potter was trying his best to look confident and nonchalant at the same time. Maybe if Regulus realized James didn’t even look up when he grunted, he could try to hold himself a little less. It couldn’t be good for a person to try to hold so much pain inside. Maybe screaming would make it easier to process everything. And honsetly, James wouldn’t give a fuck if Regulus was crying his heart out at this point - he probably would be, if the situations were reversed- the surprised and painfull gasp he earned from the Black heir in the first sting, and in the following barely surpressed gasps of pain that followed were proof enough - as if it wasn’t _obvious -_ that Regulus was in _a lot_ of pain. 

But after being convinced to do the stiching, Regulus didn’t even bother to ask for any kind of painkiller, he just layed down, looked at Potter with defiance and said “go ahead” . Which, when James thought about it again, was a very disturbing reaction to have when being told someone was gonna stitch most of the teared up skin of your arm back together. 

“I know you are in pain.” Said James, still with his eyes glued to the other boy’s arm. “I’m sorry I don’t have anything to take the edge off…” James swallowed dry. “I’m not very prepared for this kind of situation.” 

Regulus made a sound that could have been confused with a laugh if he was anyone else. 

“Ironic.” The ex-slytherin replied. “Considering you are fighting a war and everything…”

James smiled sheepishly although he was almost sure Regulus wouldn’t see it. The brat did have a point. 

“You a-and my brother are both i-idiots.” He stuttered, the pain a little too intense for him to bale to keep it out his voice. “Bet you are only still alive because your redhead fiancee has more than…”He paused to gather strength. “More than the one braincell you and Sirius share.”

James gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“You are not wrong.” He said. “If she was here, she probably wouldn’t let you get in though.” 

“Good to know at least one of you has self preservation skills…” Regulus sighed. He closed his eyes violently, he knew James was probably trying his best to keep his pain to a minimum. Slowly and delicate to try to keep the pain down or fast and hard to get it over with quicker? 

“Argh!” Regulus couldn't hold the groan inside after the last sting. 

Fast and hard for sure. 

But even the “fast” mode of stiching someone was still slow as fuck the person getting stiched. The conversation between them was at the same time distracting Regulus - as little as it was, already helped - and wearing him down. Finding the very will to speak was proving to be a very hard task. 

But Regulus figured that, maybe if he passed out, it would be better, so he tried to keep the words coming. 

“So… Where is she?” He finally gathered enough energy to ask. 

James hesitated, almost letting his wand fall from his hands. It was just a second, but, of course, Regulus noticed. 

“She… She isn’t here right now.” 

Noticing that James was clearly disturbed by the subject, almost as disturbed as he was by the first sight of Regulus’ teared up flesh, the younger boy decided to drop it. And so, the ex-gryffindor kept working silently. 

A few moments passed, in which all that could be heard were Regulus’ tired and pained grunts and gasps and his hard breathing, with James being completely silent. The mention of Lily left his mind almost blank, his hands moved almost automatically, used to the process by now, and his poor head was filled with theories and talks and memories of his dear ex-fiancee. He almost surprised himself by saying: 

  
“Okay… All done.”

The process was finally over. The worst had passed. 

Regulus looked up slowly, clearly exhausted due to all the agony he went through, and barely nodded. His body was sore, he was uncomfortable, had been tied up for quite some time and he felt like trash. 

James slowly got closer and released his wrist. After stitching up Regulus’ arm, James cleaned it and involved it with bandages. Before he could start healing the other bruises and small wounds - not life threatening wounds - he realized Regulus was sleeping. James looked at him, beaten, covered in bruises and cuts and blood and sweat, with tear marks streaming strongly from his eyes and decided he didn’t have the heart to wake the boy up. He deserved - needed - some rest and all of that could be settled in the morning. 

James sitted down on the floor by the bed and passed his hands through his hair, finally allowing himself to relax. He didn’t think about the fact that he had a Death Eater newly healed by his side, or that he would have to contact Sirius really soon and that certainly would cause chaos, no. James Potter just closed his eyes, and before he could think about it, everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh, so what did you think of it? Leave you thought on the comments! Or any theories you guys have about what's gonna happen!


	4. Sweet Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! I'm sorry for taking so long to uptade! I will try to do it weekly by now!
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEAR, GUYS! I hope 2021 turns out to be a great year to all of us! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter, I really had fun writing it. Please leave comments and kudos if you enjoy!

The year was 1971 when the Black brothers started drifting apart. 

Regulus could still remember with amazing accuracy the day his brother left for Hogwarts the first time. And how could he forget? After all that was the moment his life changed forever. Regulus’ first heartbreak was not over a lover, but due to the departure of his brother. As the years went by, Sirius would continue to break Regulus’ heart over and over, Regulus couldn’t exactly blame him, Merlin, _he_ definitely had hurt Sirius along the way too, but that was the very first time. 

Growing up they had only each other to reply upon. Their mother had a horrible temper and a fixation with using magic to discipline her children - which she did quite often and seemed to take pleasure in doing so. Their father, on the other hand, Regulus couldn’t remember a single time he had ever raised his wand at either of them. To be honest, Regulus had very little remembrance of Orion ever looking at them. He was completely emotionally unavailable, if he loved his sons was unclear. It was a wonder itself if he was even capable of doing so. 

Orion had kind eyes, though. Even if the kindness in them was usually shadowed by the constant look of melancholy they carried. He didn’t have mother’s rage, no, but he also didn’t have it in him to stop her. 

Sirius was Regulus’ whole world. His older brother, the one he looked up to, the one he wanted to be!Sirius was his only source of love and protection and comfort and when he left home with promises of writing letters everyday and that _of course he wouldn’t forget his little brother!_ Regulus, although devastated, believed him with every fiber of his being. After all, Sirius would never lie to him! Yes, Sirius was his brother, he could trust him! 

But months passed and not one letter came. 

He heard his parents - mostly his mother - fighting, distressed, about something Sirius had done that very night. 

But Regulus didn’t give up so quickly, ever his brothers’ idol he was sure something had happened. Something bad that had mother and father screaming at each other while Regulus could only try to shut his ears and cry silently - mother didn’t appreciate when he cried - as Sirius was gone. Sirius wasn’t there to hold his hand, or let Regulus sleep in his bed, or sing to him to muffle the crazy screams. 

Something bad had happened, he was sure. Something that was stopping Sirius from writing him, or contacting him. And he probably was feeling lonely too! Right? It was only plausible to believe so, after all, Sirius was his brother. Sure he missed him. 

If Regulus was a little braver by age 10, if he possessed that rage his mother and brother seemed to share, if he was more like Sirius, he probably would have gone to Hogwarts after him. 

But Regulus wasn’t _brave._ He didn’t feel brave, he was afraid, afraid of whatever was keeping him and his brother apart. Regulus was cautious, so instead of grabbing a broom and flying to Hogwarts he wrote letters. He wrote a bunch of them, assuring Sirius he would still be there for him when he came back. That there was someone waiting for him. 

Sirius never replied. And he got the news from his parents that, upon having caused their family great shame, Sirius was going to spend Christmas break at school. 

Sirius stayed at some boy’s Potter house during that summer. And Regulus only got to see him again by the time he was sitting down with a talking hat by his head. He didn’t get what he expected though, as Sirius' only reaction was the disappointed look he shot the younger Black as the hat shouted “SLYTHERIN”. 

That’s when Regulus first noticed the boy beside him, the chocolate dark brown hair, olive skin and expressive and large brown eyes surrounded by black glasses. Unsettlingly deep, luminous nut colored eyes. And noticed the way his arm hung over Sirius’ shoulder. And he _hated_ him. 

* * *

The year was 1973 and Regulus Black was starring his first Quidditch match as Slytheirn’s official seeker. Many thought their captain was crazy, putting Regulus, a scrawny second year with no real experience, as their titular player after just a few training sessions. 

The season was just starting, and of course, it had to be Gryffindor against Slytherin. Regulus was sure the teachers scheduled matches like these on purpose. What a better way to start the school year then to further ignite the already spiteful fire of hatred and mistrusted that burned between the two houses? 

Nothing, right?

Regulus was nervous, but the nonchalant expression frozen in his face specifically to prevent the rest of the world from being aware of those feelings, said otherwise. His shoulders were tense, and the grip around his broom was tight. But his fear was not bigger than his excitement. There were not many things that brought Regulus joy,but he could confirm that Quidditch was one of them. Many speculated that Regulus had joined the team to gain popularity - stupidity, of course. Regulus didn’t care about popularity, he had much more concerning things to worry about. Furthermore, Regulus prefered to be unnoticed most of the time anyways, it was better that way. Others said that he only did it to further his, now unfortunately notorious, sibling feud between him and his brother. Also completely unreasonable, Sirius wanted nothing to do with him, he had made that pretty clear, so Regulus wouldn’t waste his time trying to do anything regarding him. 

Regulus tried out because he loved Quidditch, and conveniently had an amazing talent for it. That was it.

But Regulus wasn’t worried about rumours, he rarely was. Besides, he was about to prove them wrong. 

The team was released and the game started. 

Regulus flew up with the rest of his teammates, and soon he was up in the air and had a clear vision of all the field, including the people who were in it, like his brother - Gryffindor’s keeper - and his friend, James Potter, as Gryffindor’s chaser. Regulus bites his lower lip, the competitive and revengeful part of him burning hot. He would make sure Slytherin won this match, no matter what it took. He would show Sirius just what he was capable of. 

The game started with fury fueled by both sides. The brooms raging through the sky without a second of stop, points being made for both houses with bare minutes of difference. Gryffindor was at 750, against Slytherin's 730 when Regulus saw the snitch and immediately ran after it as if his life depended on it. Not his life, but his _pride_ surely did. Of course, it didn’t take long for Gryffindor’s seeker to notice and start running after him, but everyone could see he wouldn’t catch Regulus in time. The young Black was flying the fastest he ever had, suddenly, the snitch changed its trajectory, going up and up. Regulus followed it with no hesitation, the Quidditch field becoming more and more distant as his height grew. 

The snitch was almost in his hand when he was pulled out of his broom by the Gryffindor seeker, who pulled his cape. Immediately after, before Regulus had any time to think about the certain fall to death he would endure, something hard and furious hit his back and the violent and painful content was so extreme he could only gasp, having all the air sucked out from his lungs. Regulus’ world turned blurry and he couldn’t even feel himself fall, only the wind going through his hair and the absolute pain in his ribs. With mere meters separating Regulus from the ground, suddenly a pair of bright red clothed arms caught him in the air. The sudden catch caused him some soreness and suffering., but he couldn't say he wasn't grateful. Regulus gathered his strength to look up, half - hopefully - expecting to see two silver eyes that matched his to be looking at him, melting in concern as they used to, years ago. 

Except he found brown eyes instead. Soft and, of course, immediately recognizable, brown eyes staring at him with a worried expression that matched their softness. 

James Potter. 

Of course. 

For some weird reason, Regulus didn’t find himself being so disappointed. Not when he was being almost completely distracted by those dark romantic eyes looking at him. 

_Romantic?_

They had a hint of hazel too, Regulus realized, but you had to be pretty close to notice. 

Like he was now. 

James Potter also had beauty marks adorning his face, 5 to exact. 

* * *

Soft cooking noises woke up Regulus that morning. He sighed deeply. It had been quite some time since the last time Regulus had had that dream. 

Instead of the calmness that should have filled him by waking up comfortably laid in a clean and cushy bed, panic instantly gathered around Regulus’ throat and he looked for his wand in mild anxiety, more out of habit than anything, only to find it by the nightstand. The sight of it calmed the young Black but also confused him. He thought for certain Potter would have taken it away. After all, he couldn’t trust Regulus enough to let him roaming through the house armed, right? 

Regulus looked around, his arm - conveniently the one that had the Dark Mark tattooed on it - was tightly bandaged. He imagined Potter probably had been disgusted by the sight of it while stitching his skin back together, although the deep cuts probably disfigured a little, certainly it would stay recognizable, especially for someone like Potter. Regulus was a little surprised the ex-Gryffindor didn’t just give up when he saw it. A remembrance of who Regulus truly was, surely seeing the Mark would have been enough to extinguish the feelings of empathy and slight friendship, caused by his association with Sirius, of course, that probably were the reason Potter took in him in the first place. 

Sirius… 

His brother probably already knew and would be coming for him. 

That is if he wasn’t already in the kitchen waiting for Regulus with dissatisfied and furious eyes that would be a copy of their mother’s. 

Regulus wasn’t in his right mind to have a confrontation with his brother. Not after two years without any contact. 

Regulus wasn’t on his right mind period. He couldn’t barely remember last night, his memories were blurry and what day was it anyway? What month was it? 

Although he felt a little better, results of Potter’s surprisingly good treatment he had to admit, the young Black still felt awful and he couldn’t have an emotional breakdown along with his literal body breakdown and after staring at walls for some minutes, trying to comprehend the situation he was in, Regulus decided to get up and leave. He had no idea why he had come there in the first place. 

Although he had some theories… 

Getting up, Regulus noticed the space he was in for the first time, apparently, that was Potter’s room. It was pretty simple, especially for the Heir of a wizard family but it fitted Potter. The walls were colored in a discreet beige tone while the sheets were dark red. Beside the bed, a closet and a small bathroom, the space was filled with only some shelfs and a few more accessories. The shelfs were filled with portraits. 

The center shelf, which had a perfect angle to be looked at from the bed, had exactly four pictures in them. From the left to the right Regulus saw the first one was a photo of Potter and his parents. Potter was still a toddler in the picture, maybe four or five, and was trying to stay still in his mini toy broom. His father - a man that greatly resembled James, with basically the same face and wild hair - was standing by with a big grin in his face, but arms stretched in front of him, ready to catch James if he eventually failed to settle on the toy. A little far behind, a woman Regulus could only assume to be James’ mother was laughing loudly - although pictures didn’t come with sound, the young Black could hear it clearly. An exact replica of James’ obnoxious laugh, but a little more high pitched. She was dressed in beautiful bright colored clothes, red and gold to be specific, maybe that’s where James’ love of red came from. Although James’ skin tone was darker - like his mother’s - it was clear that all the family shared the same olive skin. It was also clear that James had the handsome gene from both his parents, although they were definitely older than parents usually were, he guessed they were around their 40’s on the picture, particularly when compared to Regulus’ own parents who has Sirius very young - at only 20 years of age - and had Regulus almost right away. 

The second picture had Potter, Lupin, Sirius and Pettigrew grinning and laughing side by side as third years. Although Lupin was the tallest amongst the four, James’ came in close second, leaving Sirius and Pettigrew in a competition for the third spot. It was by that time Sirius had displaced their mother further by letting his hair grow - mother complained for a whole month.They were all in uniform, by the lake. It was a beautiful photo and Regulus felt a little smile flower into his lips. The Marauders, that’s what they called themselves. Regulus always found it ridiculous, the cheesiness of it all, and even more how other students actually referred to them like that, but it was kinda sweet, in a way. 

In the third picture they were older, spread around a cabinet in Hogwarts train, probably taken during Sirius and Potter’s sixth. 

Besides the Marauders, Regulus recognized McKinnon - the combination of thick blonde curls and brown eyes fitted her perfectly, she was very pretty, and by the way she had her arms around Sirius’ shoulders and the flirtatious way she smiled at him, she was also aware of it. Meadowes and Frank Longbottom were also there. Although there were eight teenagers squeezed in one wagon, there was nothing more evident in the picture than the way Potter stared at Lily Evans, the absolutely adoring manner in which he looked at her, like the redhead holded the entire world in her green eyes. Regulus guesses he shouldn’t be surprised. Everyone James Potter was completely in love with Lily Evans since the moment he put his eyes on her. After all, what else would motivate two seventeen year olds to graduate and immediately after move in together and get married? 

The last picture was the one that surprised him the most though, because Regulus was included on it. 

It was a shot from the day Regulus fell off his broom during his first quidditch match. He was laying on one of the beds of the hospital wing, his bandaged torso covered by the usual blue hospital clothing, a shy and embarrassed smile filling his lips. Sirius and James were there, one by each his side, still in their red and gold uniforms. Regulus remembered that after being rescued by Potter and brought to the hospital wing to recover from his broken ribs - a bludger had hit him on the back - James had argued that the game should have a rematch. It was against the rules having their brooms pulled, so capes should be on the same level of punishment, besides, intentionally or not, the gryffindor seeker who had pulled his cape from behind has been responsible by his broken ribs - as their beater, a girl named Brown, had later showed up at the hospital wing to heavily apology for his injuries and clarify that she just threw the bludger so hard because her intention was to mess with Regulus’ balance, and not his anatomy and had no idea their seeker was going to do anything like that. 

The game was indeed rematched and Sirius had been by his side during the whole 3 hours he remained passed out, James right by his side. Even Lupin and Pettigrew visited him. Regulus couldn’t quite describe the feeling that burned within him when he woke up with his brother by his side - sound asleep and definitely drooling - but by his side. He didn’t even expect Sirius would pull up some brotherly action towards him now, they had been strained for the last three years, but there he was. 

_“You know, he spent almost two hours holding your hand.”_ Potter had told him. Regulus jumped, he didn’t even notice James was there. 

_“What are you doing here?”_ Potter smirked, the usual cocky smile he was so infamous for and that made young girls and boys melt into his gaze and Regulus thought he was about to say something arrogant, intead, the smirk softed, turning into a gentle smile and he ruffled Regulus’ hair in a tender manner. 

_“I wanted to be sure you were okay.”_

_Regulus felt his face heat up and wanted to ask why. Why would he even care? But by the time Regulus had recovered, Sirius woke up and Potter discreetly went away to give the brothers some privacy._

18 year old Regulus was momentarily filled with all the butterflies 12 year old Regulus felt that day. He sighed and turned away from the picture, away from the life he could have had. He wouldn’t have fitted anyway, not with Potter and Gryffindor and noble freedom fighters that Sirius chose over the chaos and complications of their family. He would never be good enough. Besides, Regulus had chosen his fate. As had his brother. That reminded him, it was time to leave. It was a shameful tendency Black got so distracted by Potter and Potter’s shenanigans. But it was a habit he couldn’t quite completely shake, even after two years. 

Regulus quietly left Potter’s room and walked through the corridor, he looked around, not seeing Potter anywhere, he decided it was safe enough to walk to the door. By the time Regulus’ hand was only a few centimeters away from his freedom, something unexpected happened. 

“Where do you think you are going?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theories? Opinions? Let me hear them!


	5. Into a New Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI, my dear readers! First of all I want to say I'm sorry I took so long to updtade. My bf and I live in different cities and I was out for the past 2 weeks at his house, where I didn't have time to write properly. 
> 
> I also want to thank you so much for all the lovely and amazing comments I have been getting! You guys are awesome, this makes me so motivated to continue! I am already working on the next chapter so it shouldn't be long before I post it! 
> 
> At last, a question. I have been thinking about writing a fanfic about what would have possibly happened if someone was able to warn Lily and James about Voldemort's attack and they were able to run away and hide in the muggle world with Petunia. (I love Regulus so he will definitely be there). What do you guys think about it? Give me your opinions in the comments!
> 
> Thank you once more and enjoy the chapter.

Regulus felt inexplicably young, sitting on James' couch with Potter looking at him as if he was a petulant teenager who had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. 

“You were trying to run away.” He said. It was not a question. “Why would you do that? You can barely stand, Regulus. Actually, it’s worse than that, your limbs are barely attached together because my abilities with healing spells can be described as “resourceful” at best. And all your wounds could be infected, or cursed for all we know, are you _trying_ to die?”

Regulus wasn’t very good at reading people, but he was starting to realize maybe the cool reputation James Potter carried during his years at Hogwarts was only a facade. Would James Potter be the _mom friend_ between their little troublemakers group? 

“Look, Potter. Don’t be so dramatic.” Regulus answered. “My wounds are closed, I am fine.”

It was bullshit, of course and Regulus knew it. Although he was indeed feeling better than the previous night - the bits he could actually remember - he also had plenty of awareness that Potter had a point. He felt very weak and it had been a struggle to get out of bed. Also, Regulus didn’t know much about healing - from his family to his “friends” at school, people around him tended to be more focused on the”destroy” part of the spectrum, but he had been around wounds enough to know James was realistic at describing his stitching abilities. And finally, the worst part, he could indeed be cursed or infected. 

In summary, Potter was right but Regulus wouldn’t be the one to tell him that. 

In response, James looked at him with the same dumbstruck expression he used last night when revealing that, in fact, Regulus has been the one to walk up to him and not the opposite, like he was wondering if Regulus had hit his head too many times playing Quidditch, but his shock mixed fury didn’t last long. Potter let out a long sigh and sat next to him. Too close for Regulus’ liking. 

“Regulus, what happened to you? You graduated and nobody heard from you for months… Sirius thought… We thought the worst….”

Regulus shifted uncomfortably. Not only because having Potter so close made funny things to his stomach but because he was referring to the worst period of Regulus life. Black couldn’t exactly remember last night, hell, he couldn’t properly remember the last week… But _that_ he would never forget. 

His childhood had been cold and unforgiving. 

Sirius left when Regulus was 14, it shattered his heart completely. 

Regulus got the dark mark when he was 16, the few remnants of his innocence were gone and it felt like his soul was forever tainted.

But being with the Death Eaters? 

That thoroughly broke his spirit. 

It was slow, an ever present torment but it poisoned him everyday. Regulus had to attend their meetings and live with their presence in his house. He was never free, he couldn’t have a break, he couldn’t even breathe without feeling their breathings by his neck. Never. The horrors he was forced to witness… It would be enough to crack better men. 

Regulus didn’t actually _do_ anything for a long time. He was called in during his sixth year, but as he was still in Hogwarts it was considered too risky for him to perform any kind of mission. The same thing happened during his seventh year and for some time Regulus foolishly let himself believe that this was the way things would always be. The sacrifices he made, the people he lost, it was all worth it because he would be able to keep his family safe and remain his honor, he would be able to keep his distance. Regulus wasn’t a shining star, not like his brother, maybe they wouldn’t even use him.

It didn’t take long for this illusion to be shaken out of him though. 

Regulus didn’t get to attend his graduation party in 1978…

The youngest Black shrugged his shoulders and dodged James’ eyes. 

“You know what happened.” He shifted away from Potter's annoyingly warm eyes. "Everybody does."

In a soft tone James added:

“I don’t think I really know…” 

Regulus looked up for instant and met James' gaze. Those worried brown eyes staring at his anatomy made him nervous. Regulus wished he could tell James the truth, the reasons why he left himself become a Death Eater in the first place, but he didn't have the heart to. Not after being brought up and raised in mistrust, not after years of almost complete isolation, always scared to look over his shoulder. Worse than that, he was afraid James would mock him. Tell him he was a fool for prioritizing the safety of people who didn’t give a crap about him, it wasn't far-fetched, Sirius himself had told him so, why would his best friend be any different? No. Regulus might have trusted Potter with his body and open wounds, but couldn’t give him his heart. 

“I did what I had to do.” 

James probably realized pushing wouldn’t get him anywhere.

And James never pushed, unless it was for other people’s sake. 

Regulus looked back at him.

“Can you tell me what happened to me?” Potter raised an eyebrow at the question. “You know, last night. You told me I came here…”

James was slightly surprised to hear that. 

“You still don’t remember?” He asked. Regulus shot him a curious look. 

“What do you mean still?” 

James gave out a long sigh. 

“When you came here last night, you knocked on my door and asked to come in. And of course, I would have congratulated you on your manners, it’s not really a strength of your family, you know? But you were bleeding profusely so I had to prioritize. After I dragged you to my bed and started trying to close your wounds, you woke up and didn’t remember coming here. I thought it had something to do with the blood loss and tiredness, and hoped once you were okay the memories would come back to you”

“Well, I do remember you stitching me up… But coming here…” Regulus looked troubled, he stared at the wall for a while before looking back to James. “Did I say anything to you?” Regulus asked. “When I got here?”

James passed his right hand through his hair. Regulus noticed it was shorter than it had been during their school years. Also, a scarce beard filled his cheeks and the region between his nose and lips. 

Potter always had a sharp appearance, tie in place, shirt inside and that kind of thing. The whole calculated messy look, enough to be considered wild but far from slob, was Sirius’ thing, with shiny silky hair strategically disorderd the exact amount to be considered charming. James on the other hand.. Troublemaker? Yes. But his boyish style gave him a virtuous and proper look, jovial and bright, the mischief and love for adventure playing in his brown eyes. So it was a bit surprising, not to mention weird, to see Potter like that. Being that close Regulus could even see dark spots under Potter’s eyes and the bronzed orbs seemed to have lost some of its shine.

If he took the time to examine him, James looked very tired. 

On the other hand, James Potter was extremely talented and smart and he could duel exceptionally so of course he would be one of the Order’s most valuable members and that had to mean a lot of sleepless nights, it was natural for him to be tired. 

But Regulus wondered if there was more to it.

“You said you didn't have anywhere else to go.” Potter said bringing Regulus back to reality and far away from his thoughts about the older boy’s hair and beard and his hypnotic caliginous eyes. Regulus bit his lips and couldn’t help it but wrap his hands around in each other, something he did when he was on edge. 

“That’s when I knew.” James finally added after a moment of silence. Regulus looked back at him.

"Knew what?” 

“That you had left them”

The youngest Black looked at James, his silver eyes shining with surprise. 

"You believe I left?"

Some of the glimmer returned to James' eyes as he spoke. 

"Of course I believe it." 

Potter has talked about Regulus' appearance out of nowhere and how he had opened the door to a confirmed Death Eater and how he had stitched his skin back together and yet that sentence was the most unbelievable thing regarding everything. 

Yes, it was undeniable, Regulus had left the Death Eaters, that much he could remember. After his very first official mission. Of course he had done some little jobs for them, here and there, spying on people they considered important and such, Regulus’ lack of presence was especially good for that, but he had never done a real mission before. But as soon as his feet left Hogwarts’ grounds, no, before that even, the night he was supposed to spend at his graduation party, duty was finally called upon him, Bellatrix had been so proud. 

Regulus thought he could handle it. That’s what he signed up for wasn't it?

He was wrong.

The youngest Black didn't have the stomach for it. Metaphorically and quite literally as well.

He felt so disturbed, so ultimately disgusted by what he witnessed. The purest form of cruelty, the complete disregard for life... After going home and puking his guts out, he gathered the remaining strength and sanity he had left and made a plan. 

Probably noticing the astonishment painted on Black's face, James tried to explain.

"You wouldn't have come here if you were still with them, Reg. I know that." 

"I could." Regulus told him. "I could have come here to trick you, convince you to give me important information and then kill you." James smiled mildly which Regulus took as a personal attack regarding his capabilities. "I _have_ the skill." He reinforced. 

To his surprise, Potter agreed. "Yes, you do." He said. "However, I must reveal to you a crucial obstacle in that little plan of yours."

Regulus arched his eyebrows arrogantly. "And that would be?"

James' grin became even wilder. 

"You lie just like your brother." He laughed. "And I have lived with Sirius for enough years to know his bullshit." 

Regulus couldn't help but to be intrigued by that. He thought himself to be a very good liar. It was actually one of his main self preservation skills. Reg was a Slytherin, lying and manipulating were abilities he used casually when needed- and refused to be shamed for it. Not that he would expect any Gryffindors like Potter or his brother, _especially_ his brother, to understand concepts such as self preservation- and never once had been caught. 

"What is it like? Do we blink a lot or something of the sort?" James laughed even harder. 

“No, it’s just the way you say things.”

“The way… We say things?” Regulus blinked slowly. “That makes absolutely no sense, Potter” 

James looked at Regulus with a very amused look in his eyes for a moment and then, suddenly, his expression turned grim.

“You admit it then.”

And Regulus knew exactly what he was talking about. 

“I did.” He looked directly into Potter’s eyes. “I left... I left that life…” He looked up, pearly silver eyes serene and confident. “I left Grimmauld Place.”

Not everyone would understand the meaning of what Regulus just said. Most would hear his words and come to the conclusion they meant exactly what he had just said: That he wasn’t working for the Dark Lord anymore, was no longer a Death Eater, that that life wasn’t what he wanted no more. But James was Sirius’ best friend. Sirius was his brother. He knew basically everything there was to know about the Black family. So by saying he had left _Grimmauld Place_ and looking directly at James when saying so…. It was a message, one he knew only James would be able to understand. 

Regulus was not just saying he wasn’t a Death Eater anymore, he was saying his loyalties no longer lied with Orion and Walburga. He had _left Grimmauld Place_ , _like his brother_ before him. 

“What did you do after?” 

Regulus sighed. 

“That’s the last thing I remember, deciding to run away.” James reacted with a grimace forming around his face. 

“When?”

“Three months after my graduation.” 

“That can’t be.” Potter said and turned to Regulus with a worried look. “Regulus, it has been over six months since you graduated. And two since the last time anyone heard of you.”

The youngest Black lifted his head slowly, the shock clear in his silver orbs. 

“What?!No… No this doesn’t make sense. I had plan…”

“You know them, you can’t just step out from being a Death Eater. They probably catched you while you were on the run.” Regulus shot Potter an angry glare. 

“Of _course,_ I know. I’m not stupid. I didn’t just grab my stuff and ran away. I spent months planning and researching…” 

“Researching what?”

Regulus made a face. 

“That’s not important right now.” 

“Well, either your little friends finally found you or…”

“Or?”

“Or you got yourself into something even more dangerous… What were you up to for the last five months, Regulus?”

“I… don’t know.”


	6. Love can't be bough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO, GUYS! I have a new wonderful and long chapter for you! The mystery is unfolding, pay attention! Thank you all for the lovely comments and please keep reviewing it, you have no idea how it makes me happy!
> 
> Hope you like it!

It took 20 long minutes for Regulus to convince Potter he was fine.

And, of course, words weren’t enough. Potter made sure to look at each and every one of his injuries, give his opinion about them and then look at Regulus with a disapproving face. 

“Potter, stop fussing.” Said the youngest boy. “I appreciate your help but I have places to be.”

James looked at him like Regulus had grown a second head. 

“Places to be?” He gave out a sarcastic long pause. “You?” 

“Yes.”

“You were bleeding in my bed last night.” 

“Well, clearly I am not anymore!” Stated Black. “So can you please stop treating me like a defenseless idiot?” 

James arched his eyebrows. 

“I’m not. I’m treating you like someone who was injured very recently and is being stubborn about going through a safe recovery.” He said. “You know, what people do when they care about you.” 

Regulus didn't expect this response and got distracted for a moment giving James the perfect chance to pull him to the kitchen and sit him down on one of his chairs.

"Before we fight about you going anywhere, could you at least have breakfast first?"

Unable to say no to a food proposal- Regulus suddenly noticed he was indeed starving - he shook his head and let out a long sigh. James shot him a smile.

"Great, you are gonna love my pancakes!" And with that he got back to cooking and only then Regulus noticed the ridiculous apron he was using. Light pink with small yellow flowers and cursive that said _"Take the cook to a Quidditch match!"._

Regulus wasn't familiarized with these feelings James Potter was constantly expressing towards him, like care and concern. And certainly didn't know how to feel about them, about the situation as a whole. People only expressed concern when the other person was vulnerable and lacking. Concern was a kind of _pity._ And there's nothing worse than someone pitying you. _You have to be powerful, Regulus. You have to be feared._

_If you are weak you are not worthy._

_You bring dishonor upon us._

Regulus was never strong enough though. Not little Regulus with fragile fists and half the height he should have by now. No, not Regulus that cried over dead ladybugs and let mommy dearest convince him that getting the Dark Mark was the best accomplishment he could ever achieve for his family. Not Regulus that puked his guts out after his first mission and decided to quit. 

Sirius had always been the opposite. It was natural to him, it came effortlessly. During their childhood he always did as he pleased, he would get punished, sometimes cursed, sometimes locked in the attic with only spiders and the dark to make him company. 

Sirius didn’t care. 

By the next day there he was, with the same fire in his words, pushing Bella’s hair and scaring Cissy with frogs and worms found in the garden. Not at all behaving like the heir to the family should. And she would never say it - but it was always obvious - that Walburga had a favorite. 

And it wasn’t Regulus. 

Because only one between the Black brothers was brave. 

Only one would scream back at her. 

Only one would get into Gryffindor and raise his wand at her the day he left. 

And somehow this _enchanted_ her.

Of course, she was angry, Sirius was supposed to be the heir to everything they had built and had become the personification of all they despised. But Sirius was tenacious and hated being told no. Sirius did what he wanted when he wanted, _he knew who he was_ and there was some charm in it. 

And his resilience and sense of self only became brighter when compared to his brother’s lack of it. 

Nothing would ever bitter mommy dearest more than having to content herself with the washed up second hand version of the son she dreamed of. 

* * *

After breakfast, Potter convinced Regulus to shower, “you stink of blood and sadness” he specifically said and to be honest Regulus couldn’t really disagree. So, trying to relax, something Regulus Black didn’t do very often, the youngest Black brother did his best to enjoy the feeling of the warm water falling down his back and head. Potter’s bathroom was considerably big for someone who lived alone, also, better decorated than Regulus had imagined Potter could ever manage by himself. 

Regulus reached for a bottle of shampoo - James had assured, insisted actually, that every product in his bathroom was completely at Regulus’ mercy and he could and should use them. It was… very considerate. But also, Regulus was pretty sure that James just couldn’t deal with his smell anymore - and softly washed his head. It smelled like passion fruit. 

He tried to remember when was the last time he had a nice shower like this. He couldn’t really remember. But then again, he couldn’t remember much. 

However, there was one thing he was completely sure of: 

He had left the Death Eaters with one purpose: _Killing the Dark Lord and ending the war._

The circumstances of this decision were mostly lost in his head, he could remember with clarity the mission that brutally threw at his face the reality of the war he had been avoiding, and that made him realize once and for all something he had been feeling for a long time, a rather obvious conclusion his brother would certainly say: 

This wasn’t right. Everything about it. And it wasn’t worth it. 

Someone had to put an end to this madness, this completely lost cause that was taking the lives of so many of them, so young, kids - people wouldn’t talk but this war was filled up with children soldiers -that could very well be the end of reckless courageous fools wannabe heroes fresh of school, like his brother. 

And James Potter. 

_Someone had to end this madness,_ and Regulus Black was the one with nothing to lose. 

But he would be lying if he said there wasn’t a little bit of self punishment about it. 

Regulus should have realized sooner that love can’t be conquered, can’t be won. 

Walburga expected Regulus to be the heir to lead their family into one more generation of greatness. She expected him to be a _leader._ Especially when she realized that Sirius wasn’t going to fulfill that role.

Of course, it didn’t work, and she didn’t take long to also realize that instead, in a quest to be recognized by his mother, Regulus had become the most obedient follower. And for years he defended them, oh my how he defended them and their supposed love. 

It made Sirius uncomfortable and frustrated, how his only brother couldn’t even admit to relating to his struggles regarding the obvious abuse and neglect of their parents, it was an invalidation of his feelings, so obviously they could barely maintain any kind of relationship at all. 

Sometimes… When she called Regulus by _his name_ instead of only commanding his presence through shots of demanding eyes and put her hand in his shoulder and expressed her contained satisfaction about something frivolous he had done, and called him a good boy, a good son, it seemed like he actually was closer to them than his brother was. It seemed like Regulus could understand their world. 

Regulus life was lonely, cold and quiet. But every once in a while he could feel a warmth revolving around him in little moments like this and his world would glow and everything would make sense and this tiny bit of something good was always enough to keep him going for an absurdly long amount of time. Although it was not even close to the amount of praise he deserved for his loyalty and hard work it was enough to keep him fighting for something that would never come, for a balance that didn’t exist, for the love of people that simply weren’t capable of loving him. 

It was what made him think his place was with the Death Eaters, for his family, and that his childhood was fine. 

But what at cost? 

His brother. 

Regulus was far too old when he came to understand that no matter how hard he tried to ingratiate his parents, their feelings towards him would never change. For the span of a lifetime he failed to win their approval, and he felt hurt and angry, yes, but mostly he believed that he wasn’t trying hard enough to please them. 

But love is not a commodity, it can’t be bought or sold. 

Parents, Regulus was finally forced to figure out, will love you if they are _capable to_ , and for _no other reason_. 

Regulus delicately washed himself around. Now he had time - a bit more of peace of mind - he could see all the bruises and cuts around himself. He was pretty beaten, there was no doubt. He looked down and observed the trail of red leaving his wounds and going down the drain. Regulus stared at his right arm, the stitches somehow seemed less worse in the water, and there it was, the disfigured black ink where his dark mark was supposed to be. It was recognizable, but more due to context than to anything - being a wizard or witch in Britain at that day and age you knew exactly what a big tattoo on someone’s right arm was supposed to mean - but it didn’t look like what was supposed to look like any longer. It was nothing, it meant nothing anymore, it was just a match of a bunch of confused lines. 

It didn’t mean anything anymore because Regulus Black was going to end the Dark Lord. 

He just didn’t know exactly how yet. 

But he knew a place that might be able to give him the answers he needed to fill his memory and complete this task. 

And Regulus had no time to lose. 

He closed the shower and wrapped himself with a towel that James had left available for him by the door, Potter also had left some clothes for him. Regulus, finally in clean comfortable clothes and not smelling like blood and sadness, he went back to the living room where James, in uniform, was reading the morning edition of the Daily Prophet. The page read: “Family of muggles murdered!”

Potter noticed Regulus as soon as he made himself present, and looked up from the paper to meet his eyes. Regulus could recognize his satisfaction, probably seeing that his guest was now well fed and well dressed. Sirius had mentioned, a long time ago when they still talked, that the Potters made a big deal out of making sure their guests were happy and well attended, the youngest Black imagined that, if James was as similar in character to his parents as he was in physical appearance, that instance would certainly be true regarding James’ treatment of his guests as well. 

“You look better.” James complimented and smiled. Regulus merely shook his head.

“What’s the uniform for?” Regulus asked. 

“Oh, I’m on auror training.” Potter explained. 

Regulus should have known really, of course Potter would jump on the auror program as soon as his feet were out of Hogwarts and, even more obviously, they would accept him. Not only was James young, talented and strong but he was willing, and with the war going on they really only needed the last category checked. 

“I was accepted just out of Hogwarts. Sirius too.” 

Now that was a surprise. Sirius disliked rules, uniforms and bureaucracy so Regulus would never have guessed he would choose this path. Then again, Sirius being Sirius, he would go anywhere with Potter by his side. But right now Regulus didn’t have the time to unpack all of that. 

“We have training during the morning and Order meetings or missions during the evening.” 

It was a little bit shocking Potter sounded so natural talking to Regulus about things that, well, were supposed to be a secret. On the other hand, it would be pretty naive of James to think after hanging out around Death Eaters for months he didn’t know what the Order was or who was a part of it. And Potter was allowing him to stay at his house, he clearly trusted Regulus.

Potter’s newfound satisfaction with their small talk didn’t last long though as his grin almost immediately fell, a grim serious expression taking over his face. The older boy put the paper aside and invited Regulus to sit by his side on the couch, which the ex-Slytherin hesitantly did so. 

“Regulus, I’m glad you came to me, and I’m glad you left… that life behind.” Said James. “I want to be able to help you as much as I can, so I need you to tell me what’s on your mind. _What do you want to do now_?”

The way he asked and the tone he used indicated that Potter was sure Regulus was on the makings of turning a new leaf into his life. And he seemed to be so genuinely invested in taking Regulus out of his dark path would, that it almost made him hesitate. Would be nice, for sure, to have a totally new start, to once in his life, have total freedom to think about his own future. 

_“You have come of age, son” his mother's voice streamed along the dinner table. “So it’s the adequate time to find you a bride.” She said casually, not for one minute deviating from the plate in front of her. “You understand that, correct?”_

_“Yes, mother. I understand.”_

_“It’s your duty as the heir to our family.”_

_His father, as usual, had nothing to contribute to the conversation besides agreeing with his mother with his head._

_“It is of the most importance that you find a girl as soon as possible. And I have made a list with all the young ladies that fit the criteria for our family.” She said. “But, of course, although highly unlikely it is possible that my judgment was wrong about one of the girls.”_

_Then, after a small pause, Walbugar lifted her head and directed a look towards Regulus. “She must not be dumb or weak. An unpleasant physical appearance is also not recommended, although if you have to choose between a pretty face and a pathetic lack of strength, pick strong genes. Blacks have powerful seeds, your appearance should be enough to produce a decent looking child even if she is not up to our standards.” Another pause. “A common fondness is justified but I suggest you don’t look for foolish things like affection. It’s poisoning and runs out quickly, choose better.”_

It would be nice to finally figure out what he wanted out of life.

_The Black brothers stared at each other. Regulus in his silk dark pajamas, looked over his older brother. Sirius was dressed up in jeans and his customary leather jacket. He had his wand in his pocket and luggage by his side. A swollen black eye Walburga gave him as a goodbye gift. All Regulus gained as a remembrance of the fight that occurred hours prior was some more trauma to his already long list and the horrifying view of seeing his mother wave her wand at his brother that would be burned on his soul forever._

_Sirius says “come” the same time as Regulus says “stay”. Their relationship has been… bumpy, at best, since both boys arrived at Hogwarts. They had their tender moments, they had horrendous fights as well._

_But weren’t all brothers like this?_

_At the same time both brothers answered._

_“I can’t”_

_They both thought the other looked terrified. And they both were right. The situation was immutable, there was nothing to be done. Regulus felt as if he was being dragged by the current of a merciless river, meant to join the ocean, to fulfill his destiny regardless of his own will. Regulus always admired Sirius for going against the current, for choosing a different fate, for following his heart and dreams._

_But dreams weren’t for everyone._

_Certainly not for Regulus Black._

_So he rushed over to his brother and held him tight as he hadn’t done in years. The heat coming from Sirius contrasting against Regulus’ cold skin. Sirius had forgotten how touching his brother felt like. It was possibly the last time they would be this close, the last time they would be on the same side of anything. Regulus didn’t want to let go, he wanted to hold on to this moment, ignoring all the wrongs that had happened, that were about to happen. But there was dirty work to be done, and Regulus should be the one to do it, after all, he was the one with nothing else to lose, because as he released Sirius from his tight embrace, he knew he had lost everything. But that just meant he could focus on what he had to do. Sirius messed up his hair for a last time, as he did when they were very little. Regulus desperately wanted to hear that “no matter what you do, you are still my brother.” but he knew Sirius couldn’t give him that blessing. Couldn't ignore all the blood that was supposed to be shed by his hands._

_“I love you, Reg.”_

_“I love you too, Siri.”_

But Regulus didn’t have the time, he had a mission to fulfill. 

Regulus would do anything to bring down the ending of the Dark Lord. 

Regulus looked at James very seriously. 

“I assure you that what’s behind me is behind me forever.” He said, and he meant it. “But I don’t plan to go to a summer camp or anything like that. I’m not going to run away.”

James arched his eyebrows, clearly surprised by the turn of events. 

“You want to fight? Fight on our side?”

Regulus smiled, like he hadn’t in a long time, with confidence and added: 

“I will help you end this.” 

James was so thrilled he basically jumped out of the couch and grabbed Regulus by his shoulders, getting the young boy up with him and shaking him senseless. 

“Really? This is amazing! You are gonna be a great addition and if you are in the Order we can protect you from whoever almost killed you and wait until Sirius hears about this…”

“Does Sirius really need to know?” Asked the younger boy. Potter let go of him and shot Regulus a severe glance. 

“I don’t keep secrets from my friends.” 

Regulus groaned slightly and massaged his forehead, already foreseeing how complicated it would be to face his brother again. Sirius would at least punch him in the face for the things he had pulled. James smiled brightly at him.

“It’s gonna be good for you, both of you. You two will finally mend things.”

“I don’t think it's going to be that easy, Potter…” 

Potter passed his hand through his hair. 

“He’s your brother.” He said with simplicity, as if there was all Regulus needed to know. “And we are on the same side of a war now, you might as well call me James.” 

Regulus blushed at the name and suddenly felt like a schoolboy again, with the cool best friend of his brother presenting himself with a gorgeous smile. 

“Okay then… James.” 

James’ grin grew larger, he seemed delighted. 

“Does that mean I get to call you Reg?” 

“Well,” a small fraction of Regulus’ lips went up, almost seeming like a smile. “I suppose.” 

Nobody but Sirius ever called him “Reg”, he wouldn’t let them, actually. It was just too personal. 

James messed up his hair, as he used to do when Regulus was still in his first year and Sirius still cared about him and they found each other roaming by the corridors. 

“Reg it is then.” 

Noticing his face heated up everytime James mouthed his nickname like that, Regulus was quick to change the subject. 

“I think during these five months you say I have been missing I believe I spent researching a way to finish the Dark Lord once and for all.” Regulus explained. “It was all I could think of once I decided to quit. And I think… I have the feeling I figured it out.” 

James had been presented with countless surprises since Regulus had decided to come into his life again, but he still managed to get appalled by what the young boy had to say. 

“And… What is it?”

“That’s the thing… I don’t remember!Regulus let out a frustrated grumble. “Literally the solution to all our problems and I can’t remember!”

James immediately reached for him, and put his hands on Regulus’ shoulders. 

“It’s fine, Reg. I’m sure with a little more rest you will get your memories back.” He said good-humored. 

“There’s a place that I believe can help me in this process. I need to go there, right now.” 

Determinated, James responded:

“I’m going with you.”

“You really don’t have to…” 

“I _want_ to.”

Regulus couldn’t argue with that. 

“But… Maybe right now is not the best time to go.” 

“Why not?”

“Well, the people that hurt you might still be around, looking for you, after all it was clear they wanted you dead and you aren’t.” 

Regulus wrapped his hands into one another. James had a very good point, he couldn’t risk dying, it would be highly inconvenient to his plans. However, Regulus also knew that these people finding him could just be a matter of time, if they knew he was aware of something dangerous like the key to the demise of their Lord, they wouldn’t let him go, and would follow him to the deepest depths of the earth if so needed so time was of the essence. 

If these guys were onto him every second counted. 

And thankfully, Regulus had just the solution for the conundrum. 

“You are right, James.” Said the boy. “But I have a solution to our problem.” 

One second Regulus was in front of him, all cute with James’ clothes - clearly sizes bigger - all over and in the next a black cat was staring back at him by his feet. 

“You are an animagus?!”

The cat meowed at him which was honestly the cutest sound James had ever witnessed in his whole life. He bended himself over and held the kitten in his arms and caressed his head. 

“You are so adorable. A cat, it really fits you.” 

After an involuntary purr escaped his feline lips, mortified, Regulus jumped out of James’ arms and turned back to his human form. Trying his best to hide the scarlet red coloring his pale face. 

“When did you manage to transform?” Asked Potter. Trying - mostly failing - to maintain his cool, Regulus answered: 

“Around my fourth year. I noticed you guys trying out and well, if Sirius was doing it it couldn’t be that hard.” 

James laughed honestly. But a worried look soon took over. 

“So you know…”

“Yes, I know why you did it.” 

“You never told anyone…”

Regulus looked at James as if he didn’t understand what he meant. 

“It wasn’t my secret to tell.” He shrugged. “Besides, it would ruin his life and personally I wasn’t interested in that.”

James studied Regulus with a careful eye. 

“So… You are cool with it?” 

“Cool with what?” 

“With him being… you know.”

Regulus’ face transformed into a dark grimace. 

“I’m not a monster, Potter. He didn’t chose his life, is no one’s business to burden him with stupid prejudices. Especially when he never hurt anyone.”

James gave Regulus a little smile and before the ex-slytherin could even think, Potter had his arms around him in a tight hug, lifting him from the ground due to the different heights between them. Regulus could smell his perfume and all his skin tingled with the feeling of James’ strong arms around him, and it made his heart beat faster and his face heat up and he was sure it was making him lose focus. A sparkle ran around his body and then suddenly he was on the floor again.

"Let 's go!” Said Potter, already pushing Regulus towards the door. 

“I… I thought you had auror training this morning!”Said the younger boy trying to get his head to stop spinning.

James smirked. 

“It’s fine, they won’t get rid of me. I’m at the top of the class.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you guys think about James and Reg's interactions? Let me know all about it!


	7. Little Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI, PEOPLE AND HAPPY JEGULUS WEEK! 
> 
> This Jegulus Week came absolutely out of nowhere and completely took over Tik Tok and of course I'm absolutely happy about it. Unfortunately no one mentioned this fic when doing fic rakings but I will keep myself hopeful! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Please tell me your opinions in the comments, I really appreciate it.

After leaving Potter’s flat, Regulus turned back to his animagus form and he and James immediately apparated to muggle London, where Regulus’ supposed secret place was located, but not before James was given some instruction. Regulus warned James that although he wasn’t worth much to the Death Eaters, as he was nothing more than a low class soldier that they expected to die soon anyways, there were some people that could possibly be looking for him and for safe measurement James should use his invisibility cloak since he was so eager to follow him. That if for any reason at all they were discovered, James should hex him immediately and apparate.

Potter was surprised about how many of his secrets seemed to be of the knowledge of the youngest Black.

“Since you knew about the cloak we could both have used it.” Complained James. Regulus noticed that he hadn’t mentioned the cloak before, and although it was clear Potter trusted him enough to have Regulus at his house, he wasn’t ready to spill all his secrets just yet. It made Regulus a tad bit bothered to be honest. But it only added to the already hot fire that burned inside him. A flame that fueled him to correct his mistakes. Make his life worth something.

“We couldn’t possibly fit inside this cloak together.” Replied Regulus, shaking his head which earned an eye roll from James.

Technically, they could - which James obviously knew - Regulus wasn’t exactly tall and the cloak was pretty big. But Regulus could barely function being at James’ arm's length. He definitely would lose too much focus if they were snuggling together, invisible, under a cloak. And it was crucial that the ex-slytherin kept his focus. And his cool. So his animagus form was really the best option and soon James found himself following a little black cat through the streets of London.

Regulus’ smaller legs should mean he wouldn’t be as fast as James, but somehow not only he was, as James was actually being left behind. And, of course, after finding out Regulus’ secret, James couldn't let it go.

And although being very aware that people cannot talk in their animagus forms, kept asking the cat questions. What was Regulus’ reaction when he found out he could turn into a cat? Did he find it hilarious? James personally thought so, since Sirius was a dog. People think polar opposites match, but they honestly only drive each other crazy. Did he ever use his animagus form to spy on them? Did anyone else know? How did he manage to hide this from everyone else? After all, one of the things you had to do in order to become an animagus was to hold a mandrake leaf under your tongue for a whole month and Sirius would have definitely noticed that!

Regulus rolled his eyes at that, for a social person Potter could be incredibly dense sometimes. During Regulus’ first year he and Sirius barely spoke, Sirius barely looked at him to be precise. The youngest brother could have turned his hair blue and it wouldn’t be enough to get his attention. But why would Sirius even bother anyways? When he had someone like James Potter as his best friend.

“You look adorable”

The cat, of course, ignored him.

“Did you ever encounter McGonagall and do cat things together?”

The silence remained.

“Did you seriously never feel tempted to take a huge shit-”

The cat bit him.

“Hey!” James was so caught up in his babbling he didn’t notice when they arrived at the right place. A yellow little set of apartments next to a candy shop. It definitely didn’t look suspicious. But then again, if it did, it wouldn’t be a really good hiding place after all.

James followed the cat inside, being careful not to bump on anyone by accident, he had enough training using the cloak around Hogwarts’ corridors so it was not really a problem. The place, James realized, was something between a bed and breakfast and an inn. There were some people having breakfast by the ground floor and a long pair of stairs.

Very quietly, the cat climbed the stairs, with James right by his side. They had reached the third floor by the time Regulus stopped. He waited around a little, apparently analysing the place around for possible treats as James was also doing - you can never be too careful in a war, even in the muggle world. Especially in the muggle world these days…

After that, Regulus was back at his human form and James scolded him with his eyes.

“I need to open the door with the right spell.” Justified the boy with a whisper. And after a quick wave of his wand, the wooden door moved. Regulus promptly entered the room and James fast after him. As soon as they both were in, Regulus waved his wand once again.

“We are safe here, you can come out.”

James took off the cloak and the vision they shared was something neither of them expected. The place was completely destroyed. The bed turned upside down, remnants of what Regulus assumed was paper, burned and shattered into small pieces everywhere. Everything else, broken. The writing desk, the chair, the lamp… It was a complete mess and Regulus lost all hope of finding something useful. A reparo spell wouldn’t work, the window wide open, meaning that important pieces could - and probably had - flown away a long time ago.

“What… What happened here?” Asked James, clearly confused. Regulus started to notice scarier details, like how the walls had claw marks and how there were suspicious red stains all over the floor. Then James lifted the bed with his wand and they both noticed the irracional amount of blood coloring the white sheets. James gave Regulus a haunting look. There were also some pieces of torned out cloth.

“Why did you have this place?” Asked Potter.

“I needed a place for myself.”

“Didn’t you have your own room at Grimmauld Place?” Questioned James, crossing his arms. “And like, a thousand other rooms to choose from?” Regulus wrinkled his nose.

“Grimmauld Place… Was never really a place for me.” He said slowly. “I needed… somewhere I could have some kind of peace of spirit, if that’s possible.”

James nodded. Sometimes It was easy to forget that Regulus’ parents weren’t any less horrible to him than they were to Sirius.

They both walked around, not sure exactly what they were looking for. James then noticed something tiny shining right by the bleeding bed, grabbed it. It was a ring.

“Isn’t this…”

“My family ring, yes.” James placed the little piece in Regulus’ hands and Black observed it with an analytical look. Of all of the things he expected to find in his little room - how he had gotten used to call it.

All pureblood wizard families had a family ring. The Black’s family ring was, of course, silver with a line made of pearl around it. It was rather beautiful. It was an honor to receive the family's ring. And although Bella complained about Sirius not being an adequate heir, Regulus' brother still was granted it when he turned thirteen, as tradition prescribed.

Of course, he threw it at Walburga's face the day he left. And she had no choice but to place it into Regulus' hands.

The Death Eaters had a particular kind of rage destined to those they called "blood-traitors", and it was an unspoken ritual between them to take off the family ring of a blood traitor before killing them.

They didn't act as purebloods.

So they should die like mudbloods.

It was a way to shame them, take away not only their life but their honor as well. It was something wizards did in the olden days. The habit died out as muggleborns started being accepted in wizard society. Also, some pureblood families, like the Weasleys and the Prewitts found this nonsensical.

But, of course Voldemort's followers would do it.

So, seeing his ring discarded like that and the amount of blood in the sheets...

“I think maybe this is the place where… things happened to me.” Declared Black, he tucked the ring away, placing it inside his pants - James' pants he was currently using. His body was still sore, and the dreadful aspect of the room was somehow making him feel worse by the minute. But James shook his head.

“You were all wet, almost had a case of dry drowning… You were in a place with lots of water when you were attacked."

Regulus blinked his eyes a couple of times as he walked around the room, trying hard to concentrate, to recollect the memories of that night. And preferably of all the nights before that.

Yes…

_A world of darkness._

He vaguely remembered…

_Water filled his lungs and he desperately searched for air._

Being all wet… The cold touches around his body…

 _Underwater_.

A horrifying sensation set his body ablaze, something horrid clicking in his brain, flooding him with memories he couldn’t yet connect together: an ocean of black water, white creatures surrounding and a distinctive green shine that suddenly completely covered everything...

_A green shine._

He suddenly couldn’t breathe. Involuntarily both his hands reached for his tightening chest. Regulus felt crowded, trapped, like there was something else there with them. His legs gave out and even the strong bare impact of his knees with the floor wasn’t enough to shake the sensation away.

“Reg?!” James was immediately by his side, his arms around him.

“I-I’m okay…” Regulus' body was shaking, eyes watering.

“You are not okay.”

Regulus broke away from James' comforting embrace abruptly, he managed to lift his legs for a moment, enough to get away, but with his whole body trembling, Regulus’ knees were on the floor once again almost immediately after. Still, stubborn as ever, he clinged to the wall for support, trying hopelessly to get up, a delicate trail of tears making way through his cheeks that he roughly cleansed with the back of his hand. He didn't want to seem weak, not in front of James, not again.

James went after him, putting his arm under Regulus’ and around his back to help him up. And just because his legs were still faltering, the younger boy accepted it.

"Maybe we should go back home-"

"No!" Regulus was breathing heavily now, his chest tight and his heart beating fast. He seemed disturbed, cold sweat starting to come off his forehead. All these reactions only confirmed James’ theory that the night everything happened Regulus’ wasn’t just almost fatally hurt, something else had happened that trespassed the physical. If this wasn’t even the place he had been attacked, and even so being there brought Regulus memories harrowing enough to leave him in such a state, James couldn't even imagine what being in the right place could do to him.

“Regulus, we aren’t going to find any clues here. Everything is destroyed! And this place is clearly bad for you, please let’s leave.”

The young boy, now supporting himself with James' help, shook his head rigidly, trying to get his body to stop shaking, which was getting harder since his throat seemed to be closing. Regulus tried to calm himself down, to recollect useful information instead of nightmarish images that made his heart clench.

“No! I need this, it’s helping me remember-” Regulus claimed, voice hoarse. James’ expression darkened.

“It’s making you panic! Why put yourself through this?”

“What’s the point of all of this if I don’t get my memories back?!” They were screaming at each other’s faces now, forgetting that was supposed to be a discreet mission and they were supposed to be undetectable and silent and not screaming at each other’s faces. Up close James could look right at Regulus’ silver eyes, he recognized the tempest pattern that was currently filling them, making the usual clear argent color turn darker, grey. Sirius’ eyes did that when he was angry. But Regulus wasn’t angry…

“The point is your life, Regulus! Having a chance to restart your life!” He looked somewhat debasted.

“My life isn’t worth anything if I can’t make things right!”

A strong crack caught the attention of both them and the door opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO, what did you guys think?


	8. Note

Hey, I'm posting this cause I wanted to reach you guys and I know not everyone reads the notes before and after the chapters. (Also, I will probably be deleting this "chapter" soon so if you want to respond or talk to me in general, please use the other chapters.)

Well, I'm crazy about Regulus so I read fanfictions about them all the time. I've been sad to notice that some other fics - that I will not mention - have been following close patterns to mine. I can't be a 100% sure that it's plagiarism or not, but by all means it seems that it is, which is, you know, pretty sad since that although this is not my first fic is the first one that finally got off the ground, the first one people actually read (which made me very happy, obviously haha). Just wanted to let you guys know, if you are aware of any examples, let me know. 

Also,

I've been noticing that the number of comments has been dropping. Why don't you guys comment anymore? Have you lost your interest or is it something with my writing? Pls let me know so I can help or possibly fix it. Every comment is important to me, no matter how small. Of course I love answering the big ones, but doesn't mean the small ones to unnoticed. 

Also (so many alsos, sorry) I know AO3 is kinda hard to figure it out, so if any of you is having a hard time following the fic because I post at random times, my posting schedule will be every FRIDAY from now on. And if you subscribe to the fic, you will receive an e-mail every time I update (at least that's how it works for me)

Honestly I don't plan to stop posting because of this, but I must confess it's frustrating.

  
If you have read this far, thank you!

See you, Friday <3 and thanks for reading To Love is a Gift


	9. Bitter Are Wars Between Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS! As promised, here's friday chapter! I don't know where you live, but from where I'm from it's still morning, so I'm hoping this will make it easier for you all to read! 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the comments you left since I posted my notes! I can't stress enough how much I loved each and every one of them! I've never received so many comments at once, I can't even express how glad this made me and how motivated I was to write this chapter as best I could and continue working on this story with all my heart! I will answer them all, don't worry! But I just wanted to let you guys know that it made me absolutely very happy! And as a reward I tried to make this the longest chapter possible! And still end on a cliff hanger! 
> 
> So, keep up with the marvelous amazing work on the comments and let me know what you thought of this chapter! Theories, opinions... I will se seeing you guys next friday <3 <3 <3

NOTES NOTES! READ THE NOTES!

* * *

"James, what the fuck you are doing here?!"

It was rare, usually it happened the opposite, but sometimes James found himself being yelled at by Sirius for something potentially stupid he had done. 

Sirius came in as a hurricane, wand in hand, closing the door with a loud whack and marching to James with fury flickering in his eyes. He was using the exact same uniform James had on, that identified him as a part of the Auror Training Class B. And Potter imagined he was not satisfied to find an empty apartment and James nowhere to be found.

And to be honest, James understood. They were in a war after all, sudden disappearances with no explanation were not appreciated and could potentially cause panic. He would definitely be worried sick if Sirius, Remus or Peter randomly didn't show somewhere they were supposed to. And James was especially careful, considerate, he _always_ warned someone or left a note, even for the smallest of things. That's how James was. So of course the absence of both would be suspicious. 

And Sirius was already in high alert, due to what happened to the MacKinnons last month...

Then, yeah, it made sense for Padfoot to be pissed as fuck.

"You know how worried we were when you didn't show up for training, huh?"

James tried to defuse the situation.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot! I can explain-"

"Prongs, I thought you were dying on a ditch somewhere!"

"Sirius, please lower your voice"

And then things got worse.

Sirius' finally seemed to notice the small boy using his friend as support. His eyes got incredibly wild. 

"Is that-Regulus?!"

"Sirius-" 

"Prongs, what are you doing far away from home with a Death Eater?!" He asked, wand pointed at the ex-slytherin. 

Regulus would never tell a single soul, but the way Sirius looked at him, for the first time in _months_ , after concluding he was most likely _dead_ and minimized his existence to a mere random Death Eater hurt deep. 

Not his brother, or even Regulus.

Just, what are you doing here with this _Death Eater?_ Wand pointed at him.

When Sirius got agitated, he was like a natural disaster, ruthless and unstoppable, usually unaware of the degree of damage he was causing. 

And things got even worse when Sirius noticed the blood stained sheets and before James could say anything and any of them had time to react to all that was being said, Sirius grabbed Regulus by the arm with his free hand and violently pulled him from James' side. 

"You! Get away from him!" 

Regulus was already feeling debilitated, his body weak, recovering from the wounds, blood loss and who knows what else he had been through, so it was easy for his brother to drag him out of James' support. Unfortunately, Sirius grabbed him by his recently stitched arm and as much as his pride was struck, the younger boy couldn't help but shout.

"Let go of my arm!" Regulus cried out as hot pain cursed through his veins. He tried to get out of his brother's aggressive insistent grip, but no matter how desperately he scratched the skin on Sirius' hands and arms or pulled away, the older Black was irreducible and his iron hold remained. He looked right into Regulus' silver eyes - an almost perfect copy of his - and held on even tighter causing the younger one to let out a strangled scream and his knees to tremble, the sensitive skin of his barely healed wounds burning.

"Sirius!" Yelled James in horror, clearly shocked to see the way his best friend was acting towards the younger boy. He tried reaching Regulus but Sirius was keeping them separated with his other arm. Then, the oldest Black turned his head back to James quickly: "Did he do something to you?"

"No!" Answered Potter. "What are you talking about? Let go of him! You are going to open his stitches!"

Sirius finally released his brother's arm and Regulus staggered away, feeling dizzy, trying to regain focus. Sirius had let go, so why did his wounds still seem to be screaming?

James went after him. Regulus was surprisingly able to keep himself up, despite his ears ringing. 

"Let me see it, please." The younger Black was in too much pain to bother arguing and stretched his arm to James who delicately lifted his sleeve. The view didn't please Potter on the slightest. 

"What stiches?" Sirius spoke up, his voice still stuffed with anger. "What the hell is going on?"

"The stitches I spent all night busting my ass to do!" Grunted Potter, not looking directly at his best friend's eyes. "Great, you tore some of it off, did you dig your nails in here or something?"

"How did you find us?" Regulus asked. They were in the middle of muggle London. It was supposed to be the last place anyone would ever look if searching for a wizard. 

Sirius focused his gaze to Regulus only to rapidly turn away, disgusted.

"I can't even look at you." 

That left Regulus dumbstruck, as if he had been slapped. And curiously enough, some anger started boiling inside James. He put an arm protectively around Regulus.

"Then don't look at him! For Merlin's sake..."

That statement seemed only to fuel Sirius' anger. 

"Why are you defending him?!"

James spat right back. 

"Why are you attacking him?"

"He's a Death Eater!"

Before James could say the words tingling in the tip of his tongue all along, Regulus wasn't a death eater anymore! The younger Black brother walked forward, wand back in hand from his pocket, a fierce countenance dominating his face, the storm was back, howling through the now quickly darkening skies of his eyes. He looked straight into his brother's eyes, daring Sirius to stop him.

"Sirius, shut up!"

You could see by the way his face twisted Sirius was about to say something really nasty. But he didn't get the chance as Regulus kept speaking. 

"I don't care what bullshit insult you're going to throw at me! I need to know how you found us and if you were followed." He said. 

Sirius just stared back at Regulus, angrily intrigued about everything he was saying, but refusing to say a word back just out of spite. But James could see the tempest inside Sirius' orbs, mimicking his brother's. 

"You traitor little sh-"

"Sirius!" This time was James who intervened. But the oldest Black brother didn't even blink, kept examining Regulus, looking maybe for a hidden bomb or any indication he was going to hex them.

"Why would I tell you anything?"

"It's important!" Insisted Regulus. 

Sirius turned to James, as if verifying this was indeed happening. 

Regulus was quickly losing patience over the subject.

"Do you want proof? Look, I'm not a damn Death Eater anymore! We are on a very important mission here so spill what you know already!"

With that, Regulus raised his sleeves and showed his brother his wounded forearm, not professionally stitched back by a desperate James Potter with slightly shaking hands in the dead of the night. It was unpleasant. The skin distorted, the black of what used to be the dark mark deformed, mixing badly with Regulus' pale complexion. It was a medical monstrosity, some of the delicate stitches made by Potter were falling apart due to Sirius' recent offense and thin lines of blood traced it freely. 

Sirius promptly deflected his gaze away from the sight, visibly uncomfortable. 

"Who did that to you?"

"Like you care…"

Before the brothers could go on another fighting round, James spoke:

"Padfoot, please, focus."

Sirius gave out a long sign, giving up the attitude. However, he still refused to completely acknowledge Regulus' presence, or maybe just to be contradictory and not do what he was being asked, looked at James when answering:

"I found you through our… _project._ " Said Black, voicing "project" in a specific way that he believed James would understand without requiring further explanation. "And, no, I don't think anyone followed me."

Regulus massaged his forehead, relieved. 

"What's so important about this place?" Inquired Sirius, crossing his arms. 

"Nothing anymore…" Said Regulus. "But James and I think that I might be being followed and it's more beneficial if I stay alive for the time being, so we are trying to avoid being found." 

"What?"

Regulus then turned his attention to James.

"James, we should go home. You were right, I'm not going to be able to remember anything. Especially with him" He indicated Sirius with an annoyed head movement. "Here disturbing my concentration." 

James passes his hands through his hair, clearly satisfied. 

"Great, your forearm is a complete mess again, we need to do a better job." He made a grimace. "Are you in much pain? At home we can-"

Sirius called attention to himself once again.

"Oh, no! Neither of you are going home." He declared. "You," he pointed to Regulus, "are a Death Eater-"

"I'm not-"

"And you," this time the finger was pointed at James "might have gone completely insane. You both are coming to my apartment so Moony can scream at _you_ "

James

"And I can keep and eye on _you_."

Regulus

Seeing that Sirius wouldn't change his mind, James couldn't do anything besides agree. He looked at Regulus. 

"Fine." Gritted the younger boy through his teeth. "Let's get this over with"

* * *

"Sirius? You found James, thank Merlin! Oh, I see you two brought a guest…"

"Hey, Moony-"

James barely had time to talk to Remus -apologize for his behavior, disappearing without leaving a note, apologize for Sirius' behavior, his paranoid arse mode probably had Remus feeling even worse, and introduce to him Regulus' situation- he was already being dragged to the other room by Sirius.

"Moony, take care of him!" Screamed Black, the oldest, as he pushed James out of the living room. "And keep an eye on him!"

Remus was left speechless in his own living room with a very anxious looking and bleeding Regulus awkwardly smiling and offering him his hand. 

Once they were both inside Sirius and Remus' room, Black closed the door behind him.

"Explain." He demanded. James shot him a sarcastic glare.

"Oh, so now you wanna hear me out?"

Sirius reciprocated with a tired look. 

"How would you have reacted if you found me babying a Death Eater-"

"I wasn't babying him-"

"Missing training after being the perfect student for so long, after that being the only thing on your mind, after refusing to leave home for anything other than missions, after months of barely eating or sleeping… It's been a long time since I last saw you laugh, Prongs… I...I looked for you everywhere"

James was suddenly taken aback by that statement. The sadness in Sirius' eyes, an intense earnest expression filling his visage. And he finally understood. He understood why Sirius had said _dead_ _on a ditch somewhere_ instead of _murdered._

Sirius very easily went overboard, but usually, usually was for people he cared about. And naturally, James involuntarily felt his irritation low and his anger soften. 

"Sirius…"

"You have been depressed…"

James smiled sadly, and squeezed Sirius' shoulder affectionately. 

"Not that depressed." He assured him. 

James felt like he should say more. Yes, Lily leaving had left him destroyed, but he would never… Had Sirius, Remus and Peter been stressed about him all this time? _This_ worried? Damn, he had been down, sure, focusing on work not to think about the fact that the love of his life didn't love him anymore, that there was nothing he could do to fix that… But… Had he really been passing such a dreadful vibe? 

James knew he shouldn't have shown his true hopeless interior to his friends. They needed him to be strong! They needed his support! Not to be worrying about his sorry arse when Remus' was being targeted by Greyback' pack and receiving ugly looks from Order Members and Death Eaters alike. Not when Sirius was devastated over the slaughter of Marlene's whole family, and losing his mind about the supposed "traitor" they had between them. Not when literally everything else was more important and urgent than his hurt feelings.

He needed to do better. 

Sirius ran his hands over his face. 

"Just tell me everything, for the beginning."

So Potter told him. He told him about how last night was supposed to be a quiet night until Regulus knocked on his door and collapsed bleeding by his feet, dying. How he was desperate but the thought of Sirius' younger brother dying because of his incompetence got his focus back. He told him, as Sirius agreed, that his medical skills were not the best, but he managed to stop the breathing and get the water from his lungs (barely) and that they had not time to breed potions to help with the pain, or check for infections, so James had to focus on the more urgent matters. How Regulus eventually passed out, and he, being so tired and stressed, ended up sleeping on the floor right next to him. 

“We talked in the morning.”

“And he told you he was not a Death Eater anymore?” Pressed Sirius. 

“Yes, he left them, he left Grimmauld Place for good.”James told him, knowing Sirius would understand the meaning and solemnity of those words, just as he had. For some seconds, the oldest Black just stared back at James, until a dry broke laugh escaped his lips. 

"He is lying.” Stated Padfoot. 

“Pads… He isn’t.” Insisted James. 

“He is up to something, he is trying to fool us.” 

“Pads did you look at him? He’s covered in bruises and cuts, he has lost weight... He almost lost an arm! That shit will leave a very ugly scar, for the rest of his life! Damn, he almost didn’t have a _rest of his life_. He wouldn’t go this far just to try and fool us” 

“The dark mark was supposed to be forever and he took it too.” Sirius argued bitterly. “Willingly” He added. James pursed his lips, Sirius and him had different definitions of “willingly.”

“You know that’s not the same thing.” Claimed Potter, hands going through his face. 

“Have you even used veritaserum on him?” Asked Sirius, with that accusatory tone of someone who knew that James hadn’t. 

“I know he’s telling the truth and besides veritaserum is unreliable, you know that.” 

Sirius let out a loud groan and walked to James, their faces inches from each other. James could see the tempest’ clouds that showed up in his eyes during his fight with Regulus were finally raining down in all their fury. 

“Why are you doing this? Can’t you see this is all to manipulate you?!”

But James Potter were never wary of Sirius Black’ anger, and screamed even louder: 

“Why can’t you give him the benefit of the doubt? Why can’t you trust anyone?”

“Cause you trust everyone!”

Of course it would come down to that. The stupid “traitor/spy” talk. Sirius was really losing his mind over that. 

“Sirius, you know that’s not true. I trust my _friends_ , and my _gut_ . If it makes you feel better, we will give him veritaserum, we will keep an eye on him, but please help _me_ help _him_.” 

That’s when Black’s outrage seemed to deflate. He sat down by the bed, arms resting on his knees, and face wrapped by his hands. Sirius was now glaring down at the floor, as if it was going to pop out any answers. And after some time, he spoke up again. 

“If he’s really telling the truth… If he really left and regrets what he did… Why didn’t he come to me?” Sirius lifted his face, fingers covering his mouth, looked back in James’ eyes and gently, just a bit louder than a whisper, added: “I’m… I’m his brother.” 

James wasn’t sure if he was stating or asking. Regardless, he sat by his best friend and sighed. 

“Pads… You could barely look at him five minutes ago.” Observed Potter, his voice mellow. 

“I got angry!” Retorted Sirius defensively. “I thought… I didn’t know what to think! I thought Regulus was dead, not one mention of him in the last two months, and before that he was the enemy…” 

James didn’t want Sirius to feel guilty, just for him to understand. 

“Regulus was in pain and scared that night, and things are complicated between the two of you.”

“I wouldn’t let him _die_ …” Sirius stressed. “I wouldn’t invite him to tea time and an excursion…” He said sarcastically looking directly at James, who rolled his eyes. “But I wouldn’t let him die.”

“Of course not, Sirius. I’m sure he knows that.” James assured him, and he honestly believed so. “Maybe he didn’t want to compromise you. You are a _Black_ , dating a _werewolf_ , we know people judge without even getting to know you, even at the Order. If your Death Eater brother suddenly showed up at your porch… It wouldn’t look good for you.”Sirius shrugged and James continued: “Maybe he didn’t even know it was my door. Regulus had lost a lot of blood, he wasn’t on his right mind. What matters is that he is here now, and you both get a new chance.” 

Sirius went silent again. Eyes focused on the decorated wall in front of them. Until, quietly, he said:

“If he’s telling the truth… Then that means he could always be saved… I just wasn’t strong enough to save him.” 

James didn’t know exactly what to say to that. So he did the best he could, and gave Sirius a side hug, putting his right arm around him and letting the shorter boy rest his head on James’ shoulder. Potter bit his lip and moved his head slightly to the right, where he was greeted with Sirius eyes beaming at him, the anger and tempest clouds gone; back to the usual clear silver pearl toned skies. 

“I think he just wasn’t quite ready to be saved back then.” 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Sirius clearly wasn’t ready to unpack all of that yet. His complex story with his brother… But James would be there for him once he was. 

* * *

In the Black-Lupin living room, Remus was taking care of Regulus wounds. They could both hear the loud discussion the other two were having in the other room, but tried to ignore it. 

“I’m sorry to come into your house like that, Lupin.” Said Regulus. “My brother was… persistent in bringing me here.” 

Remus smiled at him. He had Regulus sit down on their couch and now worked on his arm. After full moons during Hogwarts Remus would always go to the Hospital Wing. But as they got older, the Marauders figured out if they truly wanted to help Remus in the long term, they would need to at least learn the basics of magical healing. 

And they did. Which meant Peter, Sirius and James were prepared to provide first aid to cuts, bruises and even some types of simpler sicknesses. They imagined that was all they were going to need. Most nights they were able to maintain the wolf completely calm, and although some injuries were inevitable, nothing too bad had happened in years. And they would never let Moony go through it by himself again, so there were no worries regarding that. 

But, of course, Remus being who he was, thought things far ahead. Who knew if the wolf would be calm forever? No one could guarantee it, and if Remus couldn’t convince his goofball friends that the danger of being with him during full moons would only increase over the years, the least he could do was to be prepared to deal with any serious disaster. 

So, in summary, Moony knew how to deal with serious wounds and infections. 

“It’s fine, Regulus. No need to apologize.” Moony smiled at his guest “And call me Remus, please.”

Regulus only nodded. He seemed uneasy. 

“That’s quite a cut on your forearm.” Commented the older boy. 

“Yes… We still don’t know who was responsible for that.”

“This horrible pattern of stitching? I’m putting my money on James.” 

Just when Remus had managed to make Regulus smile a little, the screams got louder in the other room. 

“Hey, Regulus, would you like some chocolate?”

* * *

“You still didn’t tell me what you were both doing at that place”

Sirius was now walking around the room, hands in pockets, trying to somehow diffuse his agitated state. James looked around, sadly noticing he hadn’t been over in a long time, no guess his friends were so worried… 

Remus and Sirius lived in a small apartment - too much small for Sirius’ liking. Black insisted that with the money his uncle Alphard had handed over to him, they could live anywhere Lupin wanted, maybe a house in the countryside, where they could settle next to a nice little grove where Remus’ howls during the full moon wouldn’t bother anyone or cause suspicion. But for some reason, Remus liked their tiny apartment with the loud neighbors so, for now, at least, Sirius would have to quiet down. 

They bought it together, a little after graduation. James and Peter had help decorate. Potter remembered it vividly, because it had been around the same time he and Lily had moved in together…

But he couldn’t think about that now. 

James sighed and crossed his arms, knowing Sirius wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. 

“Regulus… He has lost the memories of the last two months…”

Sirius paused, turned his head to James with an acid smirk painted on his lips.  
  


“Now, that’s incredibly convenient-” 

“But he thinks he has figured out a way to stop Voldemort.”

That shut up Sirius pretty quickly, and James continued:

“Regulus can’t quite remember what it is, and we were in that place trying to regain his memories.” James looked at his friend. “He’s on our side now. He wants to fight with us.” 

Sirius didn’t know what to say. His brother was so stubborn, he stayed with their crappy parents after _everyone_ left. He did whatever he was told. He was fragile… This whole rebellious streak didn’t feel like him. 

But Sirius didn’t want to hear his racional side. He wanted to believe he had the chance to get his brother back.

“Regulus told me that’s where he would go when he needed a break and that we could possibly find some clues there. About what he was doing in the last couple months.” Potter informed. 

“And… Did you find something?” Questioned Sirius raising his eyebrows. 

James shook his head tiredly. 

“Not really, nothing meaningful… You saw the place, it was completely destroyed. We did find your family’s ring though.”

  
“The one I threw at Walburga?”

“Precisely.” 

“Yeah, it makes sense she would give that to him.” Said Black and then his face darkened. “You know what that means, right? When they take off your family ring”

James twisted his eyebrows. 

“There’s a meaning to that?”

“Yes, they do it so you die as the filthy mudbloods you decided to support. So I’m guessing someone else found out Reg was not such a fan of Voldy anymore.” 

“Do you think they tried to…?”

“Pretty sure.”

“But there?”

“You saw the bloody sheets, mate…”

“But he was completely wet when he came by my apartment. I mean, yes there was blood but he definitely was submerged in water.” Insisted James. “He almost drowned.” 

Sirius, shrugged, he couldn’t explain that. Maybe Regulus was able to escape the little room and run somewhere, somewhere with water, where they followed him and tried to kill him a second time.

But behind the anger and guilt he felt, Sirius felt doubt. That didn't make sense… If the Death Eaters wanted his brother dead, how was he still breathing in his living room? Had they considered Regulus so below them, so unworthy, that they refused to use a spell to end his life? Beat him up, cut him and then drown him, like a muggle, was that the plan?

If Regulus really knew something important… They would use a spell, they would make sure he was dead. 

Right?

“Also… There’s more.”

Sirius united his hands together and put them in the front of his face, as if he was praying and slowly declared. 

“James…” He spelled slowly. “How could there possibly be more?”

“I think Regulus was tortured.” James said quietly. “He was badly injured, and when we were back there, in the room, he broke down. Being _present_ in that place was enough to do that to him.” Sirius gave him a weird look, but James continued: “I mean, really breaking down, Sirius. Heart beating fast, body shaking, heavy breathing… The whole package…” 

It was too much at once. So much that Sirius couldn't process it all. His Death Eater brother, who he believed dead, was alive and fighting for their side, apparently. And he had been tortured. And he knew a secret to destroy Voldemort. And they had tried to kill him, twice.

Sirius' head was hurting.

"I think the trauma might be blocking his memories… Blocking whatever it is that could be the end to this war." Said James. 

Sirius sighed. He was tired and confused but it seemed there was no way of escaping this conversation. He turned his head back to Prongs.

"You really think he found a solution that great?"

James shrugged, clearly not sure what to think either.

"I don't know, Sirius… But your brother seemingly almost died for this secret." 

"So… We need his memories back to get to this… solution, right? How do we do this?"

"I don't know… I don't want to break him… Again"

Sirius raised one more question.

"And… How do we know to trust him once he does tell us?

"I guess we'll just have to trust him."

That’s when their discussion was interrupted by someone opening the door. It was Remus. 

“I know you both have really important issues to talk about.” He said right away. “But a letter just came down for you, Sirius.” 

Sirius shook his head and turned away. 

“We can see that later-”

“I think you will really find this interesting.” Insisted Remus, who then shot James a glare. “Both of you. 

Seeing whatever this letter was about, it had to be pretty important for Remus to be so insistent, both boys left the bedroom and walked back into the living room, with Remus by their side. 

Regulus was sitting down on the couch, shoulders back, legs crossed and hands by his lap, very distinguished, and only seeming mildly awkward, which was an upgrade from the intensely uncomfortable face he had on when they first arrived. James noticed that Remus had, indeed, taken care of him, and despite the fact that the skin of his forearm still looked distorted and unpleasant, at least it was stitched properly. He also looked less deadly pale. 

However, as soon as the trio came back, he got up and his expression hardened. James noticed how Sirius looked at his brother, and how Regulus dodged the look, immediately turning to the other way. 

Those two… Had quite a lot to figure it out. And James could only hope they managed to get through each other. 

Brothers… Family… It had an important meaning to him. 

Sirius walked right to an white owl sitting by their window and paid for the service. The owl had a golden lace around her neck and impeccable clean feathers. As soon as paid, she flew away, leaving Sirius with the letter in hands. The oldest Black, of course, immediately understood what Remus had meant by _interesting_ as soon as he saw the owl. An owl like that? She surely belonged to the Malfoy. 

And there was only one Malfoy he had minimum interest about. 

Sirius was quick to tear up the paper. The fancy paper and beautiful handwriting only confirmed his theory. It was a short letter. 

“It’s a letter from Narcissa.” He said, to no one in particular, as his eyes rolled through the words.

“Cissy?” Regulus inquired, carefully coming closer to his brother, holding his injured arm close to his body with his healthy one, trying to get a look.. “Why would she write to you?” 

Regulus meant no offense, but between their cousins, although Bella was the one Sirius disliked the most and fought the most with, Cissy was never his favorite either. It always had been, of course, Andromeda. They were only 12 and 13 when Andy had run away and got married. Regulus had been invited, and had attended it. 

But Sirius was chosen as her _best man_. 

“She says she has important news to share about our family.” Sirius answered. “And to meet her soon so we can talk about it.” 

That left Regulus even more intrigued.

“Cissy wrote a letter to _you_ to talk about family matters?”

Cissy never considered Sirius an adequate heir, which was one of the only things they agreed about. 

“I’m in charge of Grimmauld Place now.” 

“What?” 

And then Sirius finally looked into his brother’s eyes not with anger, but with white boredom. 

“Father is dead.”


End file.
